mcswarley

Two things

2010-09-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

First, join the Brian Willsie Invitational Classic here.

Second, I hate Blogger. I already have a Dreamhost account, so what's the big deal in paying another $10 a year to own mcswarley.com?

That's right, I finally moved here.

Filler Friday: Search Terms

2010-08-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

Search terms are those nifty words people type into search engines (yes, I remember a day when Google didn't exist). My trackers collect these things for me like tiny trained monkeys. These are only some of them…

alexander frolov and stds ...you mention STDs once and it all goes to hell.

jason allison ex-wife name: Jason Allison was married?

Drew Doughty STD: See above.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me… wait, what?

curling pants ...are amazing?

wanted dead or alive word templates: Nope. Nothing that useful here.

creepy sidney crosby: Yeah... he kinda is when he tries to grow facial hair.

is brad richardson missing teeth? Why are people always asking me these things?

when you hate both teams: and watch anyways, because, well, it's hockey, and it's on TV.

what is matt greene wearting(sic)? Awesome incarnate.

murray parros: I don't know which is better: Grey-haired George Parros coaching or Terry Murray with that porn 'stache?

jarret stoll sharkeez: I'm pretty sure I started this trend. I have never seen Jarret Stoll in Sharkeez because that would require setting foot in a Sharkeez.

non sensical explanation: My specialty.

los angeles kings resign frolove (sic): No. No they did not.

shit hawks swooping line: The wisdom of Mr. Leahy.

teddy purcell drunk: I actually do have photos of this.

gema estevez zeiler: I have no idea.

Disclaimer: Besides a couple of poor bastards I went to college with, I have no idea who has herpes or HPV.

Goodbye: Alexander Frolov

2010-08-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

I was waiting until Fro-love actually signed with another team to write this. That's how much I was hoping it wasn't going to happen. It's the Rangers and not the Ducks or Wings, right? That's kind of OK. It could be Edmonton. Who am I kidding? This blows.

Frolov was one of the last guys left from the team that was in place when I moved to LA. Now there's only Dustin Brown… and his big fat baby head that makes him look like human incarnation of one my old professor's paintings. To be fair, that team really sucked and did not make the playoffs… for the next seven years. Somehow I still convinced about 14 classmates to play broomball in the halls of our apartment complex… and got our school banned from said building.

No more big goofy wall-eyed Russian who kind of sounds like Balki (though fake Chris Kontos says he's Latke from Taxi) and his stupid, timid, adorable smile.

Now there's some Ukranian dude named Ponikpovichinsky or something. Some people confuse that with Russian, but you can't fool me!

Fun fact: insidethekings.com, the name of Rich Hammond's old blog, sent me to a site about teacup poodles. I can't make this shit up.

When Luc retired I realised I was an adult even though I had already legally been an adult for a while.

I will probably end up getting drunk and sleeping in my car in ~~San Jose~~ ~~Inglechester~~ ~~La Verne~~ Hermosa Beach like I did when Luc retired. This is legal as long as you don't sleep in the drivers seat. Unlike when Luc retired I'm not crying like a baby, and probably won't cry when I watch videos on YouTube (this is helpful when you need to get out of work so some relative whose already dead conveniently dies again).

Alex Frolov is a remnant of my young adulthood. He probably looked something this around the first time… er, uh, nevermind. Look at how skinny he was!

The one of the league's least ugly Russians is leaving LA. Who is his competition anyways? Evgeni Malkin? He looks like he has down syndrome or some other kind of chromosomal disorder. This makes for one less person around here I can actually look in the face. I kind of have a thing where I really can't make eye contact with some one who has had obvious plastic surgery. I've been looking at a lot of foreheads for the past few years.

Take good care him, Hank, Avery, That Other Staal Brother, and uh, they still have Brian Boyle?

Who will be the pretty ho now?!

That other Russian guy that isn't Frolov goes to Disneyland

2010-07-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

[PREFACE: I wrote most of this, except for the very end, before Kovalchuk's decision to sign with the Devils earlier this week. I was waiting for a decision so I could write the ending. Well, it's kind of an ending for now?]

(SCENE: JARRET STOLL driving STOLL'S Benz/BMW/Lexus/Whatever with JUSTIN WILLIAMS in the backseat and ILYA KOVALCHUK riding in the front passenger seat)

ILYA KOVALCHUK: No really, where you taking me?
JARRET STOLL: Lombardi wanted us to show you a good time in the city.
KOVALCHUK: Why he doing here? (gestures towards Justin Williams)
STOLL: (Sighs) To make sure I don't piss off your wife.
KOVALCHUK: I uh… I do not understand.
JUSTIN WILLIAMS: Stoll-Mole is trying to say we don't want Mrs. Kovalchuk killing the whole LA thing for you.
STOLL: By that he means no fun. Pffffft.
KOVALCHUK: Oh good. Where are are we going then now?
WILLIAMS: You, uh… what about… well, what do you want to see?
KOVALCHUK: Mickey Mouse. I want to see Mickey Mouse.
STOLL: You're kidding.
KOVALCHUK: Oh no. We do not have Land of Disney in Mother Russia. Wife never let me go to Land of Disney in Florida because they do not like Donald Duck in Lithuania because he does not wear pants.
WILLIAMS: (blink, blink) Ohhhkay. I don't think a trip to Disneyland can possibly go wrong. Right, Stolly? (punches Stoll's shoulder)
STOLL: (deadpan) Oh stop, Willy, you're hurting me.
WILLIAMS: That hurt my hand. I think I heard a crunching sound.
KOVALCHUK: So we see Mickey Mouse?
STOLL: (unenthusiatic) Yes. We'll go to see Mickey Mouse.
WILLIAMS: And that sinful pantless Donald Duck. Ah! Ah!?
STOLL: You're supposed to make things not worse.

(CUT TO: Giant Disneyland parking garage)

WILLIAMS: Remember everyone, we're in the Itchy lot.
KOVALCHUK: Itchy? That is Goofy. Goofen fore!
STOLL: Don't worry about Willy. He just watches too much TV in the hospital. We're in Goofy four, Willy.

(CUT TO: Disneyland tram queue)

KOVALCHUK: Oh trains! In Mother Russia trains are not happy thing. What is name of the train ride?

STOLL: Relax. The tram is just going to take us to Disneyland.
WILLIAMS: This is gonna be fun! I never get to go to Disneyland without my kid and he never wants to go on Splash Mountain!
STOLL: This is among many reasons I don't have kids.
KOVALCHUK: You really like Splash Mountain.
STOLL: Sure... We'll call it Splash Mountain.

(CUT TO: Line for Splash Mountain)

STOLL: Willy! Go get a wheelchair so Kovy here doesn't have to wait in line.
WILLIAMS: Why do I always have to get a wheelchair?
STOLL: Because you know how to operate one.
WILLIAMS: It's really not that hard. You just—
STOLL: —Make with the handicap while I try to explain these vaguely racist animals.
(15 MINUTES LATER)
STOLL: …and that's how I got three rabies shots in one year.
KOVALCHUK: (inching away from Stoll) Justin Williams! You are back! In wheeled chair!
WILLIAMS: Yeah yeah. Let's not keep Mr. Ilya waiting in line with the creepy robotic animals any longer.
KOVALCHUK: In Mother Russia we cannot make animals into robots. The delicious meat too precious.
WILLIAMS: These aren't real animals. They're just robots. They just put fake animal stuff on robot parts and—
STOLL: —I've already tried. Just let him think they're zombies or whatever.
WILLIAMS: That's horrifying.
KOVALCHUK: Like Rasputin! (huge smile)
STOLL: OK, we have to lift Willy out of the chair and into the log. Willy, pretend your legs don't work.
WILLIAMS: Yeah yeah. Very funny. (crosses arms)

(ENTER: McSwarley being lazing and not wanting to describe Splash Mountain to you)

(Walking away from Splash Mountain)
KOVALCHUK: I still do not understand. About what were animals singing?
WILLIAMS: That it's a good day?
STOLL: Did you like the big drop at the end?
KOVALCHUK: Oh yes. Very much. Donald Duck can't be that bad if he has all these happy robot animals.

(ENTER: TAYLOR HALL taking photos with Mickey Mouse)

KOVALCHUK: Oooh! Mickey Mouse! (runs toward Mickey Mouse)
TAYLOR HALL: You! Your free agency stunt ruined my draft party! This is supposed to be my time!
KOVALCHUK: I do not understand you, Boy Donkey. Why are you so angry?
HALL: Me! All those pun headlines were supposed to be about me! (lunges at Kovalchuk)
KOVALCHUK: I do not want to punch you, Boy Donkey. This is supposed to be happy place not place for fighting.
STOLL: C'mere kid.
HALL: I don't wanna!
STOLL: Just come here, kid, and talk to me and Willy for a minute.
(Stoll puts Hall in a headlock and punches him)
STOLL: Don't... Ruin... This... For... Me!
KOVALCHUK: Let me help! You cannot ruin happy place for Jarret Stoll and Justin Williams.
WILLIAMS: You… you don't fight. Apparently, he does… kinda? (points at Kovalchuk pulling Hall's shirt over his head)
STOLL: It's called suspension of disbelief. You're just here a comedic device. You normally spend the summer in New Jersey for some fucking reason.
WILLAIMS: Right-o.

(CUT TO: Disney security escorting Stoll, Williams and Kovalchuk to Stoll's BMW/Benz/Lexus/Whatever)

WILLIAMS: Dean is going to send me to Edmonton for this. Then I'm gonna have to see that kid every day!
STOLL: Stay with us and you'll get four tries a year to get that kid.
KOVALCHUK: I do not know if I like that. He seem he really want to hurt me.
STOLL: Do you really want to leave Willy to fend for himself whenever my junk goes out of whack? After all he's done for you with the wheelchair and all...
WILLIAMS: (Looks helplessly at Kovalchuk)

(SCENE: DEAN LOMBARDI's office at the Toyota Sports Center)

DEAN LOMBARDI: You told him what?!

WILLIAMS: The Hall kid was going to be in Edmonton?

LOMBARDI: Now, why did you do that?

STOLL: It seemed topical?

LOMBARDI: Topical? The guy can barely speak English. You could have told him the Hall kid was part donkey, and he would have believed you.

WILLIAMS: (mumbling) ...I thought he was part donkey.

LOMBARDI: OK, you have a point there, that kid isn't human… but, this Russkie jerkoff cost me seventeen days of my life! One of you… I have to make an example of one of you.

WILLIAMS: My knees can't take much more.

LOMBARDI: Stoll, I'm going to let you pick which knee you like more.

WILLIAMS: (reading off of cell phone) The league rejected that seventeen-year contract.

LOMBARDI: Give me my life back!

[ I was hoping to write a much happier ending. One that didn't involve busting kneecaps. Quisp has a better grasp on all this CBA mess. It sure will make for some good lolcats.]

Goodbye: Those Other Guys

2010-07-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

Fredrik Modin: "Modin doesn't watch the replays. Modin knows he scored." I don't really remember ever listening to you talk. You scored goals in the playoffs, so that's really going to suck expecting these other guys to be able to score on the 5-on-5 in the playoffs next year. So I hope they watched carefully.

If you had stayed around longer I would have written to be something like The Most Interesting Man in the World. I don't even know why. You look more like Drunk Hulk.

Jeff Halpern: I decided I want to you stay. Only so I can post this picture every week.

Oops. Wrong Randy Jones.

At first you confused us. Another guy from Philly? Then you excited us. You scored some goals when the team was down a few guys (Ryan Smyth and Rob Scuderi). Then, you forgot that stuff. Then you forgot the defense part of your job. Then you got whiplash. Then, well, more of that stuff I mentioned before.

You restored my confidence in Peter Harrold. Thank you.

Goodbye: Raitis Ivanans

2010-07-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

Some people might be saying "Good riddance" to Raitis Ivanans, but I'm not one of those people. Much like the food chain, hockey needs it's big scary things that keep the smaller ones in line. You, Raitis, are one of those big scary things, what with your biceps being bigger than your head and all.

Some of us make coffee, some sell drugs, others deal with idiots all day. You fight. You also spit and swear, and anyone who gets paid to fight and swear while wearing ice skates is OK in my book. I'm not so big on the spitting, but it is a necessary evil.

So now I'm left wondering what big scary dude will be stepping in the enforcer role here in LA. Who will take the team to see Billy Elliot when they're in New York?!

That other Russian guy that isn't Frolov told through LOLcats

2010-07-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

10 things that are worse than the Ilya Kovalchuk mess

2010-07-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

The Office
Writing an essay on Ayn Rand to get an academic scholarship
Chocolate pelicans, though one can apparently buy their poop now?
Dealing with idiots
Puppy mills
Guns 'n Roses' fifth album
Unemployment
Cancer
Mike Green
Trying to think of ten things worse than Ilya Kovalchuk playing with your emotions

Side note: I went to college with a girl named Ilya. Girl. Named Ilya.

Goodbye: Sean O'Donnell

2010-07-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

No one can blame you for not wanting to retire yet, OD. I won't begrudge you that. Hell, we even named an imaginary—at least I think it's imaginary—legal clause after you. No Duck can be a King unless he was a King first, it's the Sean O'Donnell Clause*. This lets me hold out hope that some day George Parros will see the err in his ways.

In Philly, you'll be able to fight Dion Phanuef some more. You'll also get eat some strange thing called a "cheesesteak." Whatever. I don't think it's as good as an animal style double-double when you're hungover or just got off a five-hour plane ride. No, that is not a sex act.

I've been watching you since I was a kid so it's hard not to be sentimental.

Have fun, and maybe we'll see you back in the Southland in a few years.

*Someone on LGK made this up. I can't take credit.

Up-Chuking

2010-07-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

Today will be day five of free agency or the Kovalchuk Sweepstakes. Dean Lombardi has yet to sign any free agents, so of course Kings fans are whining, panicking, threatening suicide and whatnot. Hey, I would like to have a Richard Rocket Trophy winner as much as any other fan out there. I also see that in the salary-cap era, bleeding the team dry to pay that one player is a really fucking dumb idea.

You know what else sucks about a $100M contract? No one wants to take that trade! If Kovy ends up on the wrong side of Matt Cooke's knee and suddenly becomes an overpaid 15-goal scorer, that really is a huge blunder. Suddenly the Justin Williams deal doesn't seem so bad since it's not a 10+year contract.

If anyone is going to get a 10 year contract out of Deano it's Drew Doughty, who has had the crown tattoo'd on his ass since the age of five.

I don't know that much about Ilya Kovalchuk. I don't know if he's really a nice guy who recycles, and adopts dogs from the shelter instead of buying them from stores who get their animals from evil, no good puppy farms. He might be the first guy you call when you're too drunk to drive yourself home and don't have the cash for a cab.

If Kovalchuk does take an offer from a team like the Islanders, Panthers, or Columbus—who all have the cap space—instead of team like the Kings it does tell me one thing: he cares a whole lot more about money than being on a playoff team.

I want a second-line centre* and a sniper for Christmas. I really do.

I'm not a Dean Lombardi cheerleader, but this is the longest the Kings have ever stuck to a plan instead of looking for the quick-fix.

You know what else? I'm not a GM. I don't expect a whole lot of other people to be capable of my job, putting up with my batshit crazy boss and clientele, and not screwing up severely to cost money I don't have.

*Jarret Stoll is third-line centre number one. You know it, I know it, and the Canadian people know it. I've given up on explaining backchecking to other Americans.

Draft Day in LA... and stuff.

2010-06-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

Your poster boys: Jack Johnson and [probably?] Tim Thomas.

Great. As if those nightmares I used to have about Kingston weren't enough, we can terrify a whole new generation of children.

Vendors!

In case you didn't know, no event at LA Live is complete without douchebags.

It kind of like watching the stock exchange... except they're exchanging people!

These people got lost on their way to prom.

Even with the special podium, the photographer is using the old shooting from below trick.

...but the worst part was when they cut off the liquor and beer sales.

The video department was hard at work removing the logo from the third jersey footage to make this seem more neutral:

Premium Draft Beer

2010-06-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

I will be drinking a lot of beer waiting for pick #19 tomorrow.

Good job, Deano (after Anze Kopitar's game [game 2] winner in over time).

To those here in LA for the draft, I have ~~one~~ two things to say to you:

Quit whining about traffic and plug in your iPod/CD player/8 track.
The closest In-n-Out to the Staples Center is on Sunset and Orange in Hollywood. I order a number 2 animal style with easy spread .

Maybe Jeremy Roenick will cry again...

No?

I'll be posting random things on Twitter all day. Expect more incoherence the closer to 4 o'clock we get.

Filler Friday: Anaface

2010-06-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

Anaface is some little program that is supposed to analyze facial features in proportion and symmetry and access how beauteous one is.

What does this have to do with hockey players? Well, I got bored and put some of them in Anaface.

Let's start off with someone we all know...

Sidney Crosby is pushing a 6.59/10 which is not too shabby. Those big fat lips aren't helping him here, though. Perhaps Angelina Jolie can give him some pointers on ~~looking like a prostitute~~ pouting.

Drew Doughty has a 6.43/10. Some creepy chicks on the internet may argue about that one. If Emeril Lagasse mated with a teddy bear, then somehow the fetus was exposed to radiation, the result would be Doughnuts.

Fro-love has a 6.11/10. Getting hit in the face a lot may affect symmetry. Just a hunch. I'm pretty sure we won't be seeing those big blue eyes back in LA in October. This makes McSwarley sad.

Jack Johnson can't even crack 5 points. Again, he's been hit in the face. A lot.

Somehow, even with a bag over my head, I can do better than Sidney Crosby. Obviously this thing is broken.

Filler Friday: Shit Hawks

2010-06-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

They're swooping in low.

Filler Friday: Shark Hatred

2010-05-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

Just imagine Patrick Kane has Mr. T's stupid haircut instead of a mullet. What, you were expecting Dustin Byfuglien?

Things I hate almost as much as the Sharks:

"The Office."
Paragraphs containing double-spaces after final punctuation even though there has been no need for it for at least the past fifteen years, unless you're using an actual typewriter.
That it seems at least 75% of the general population is obsessed with bacon.
The cancellation of "My Name is Earl."
Creme filling.
Listening to Republicans fight over who is more conservative in one of the most liberal states in the country. You know, where that might not be a good thing when campaigning for governor.
Brian Willsie.

How to watch a playoff series when you hate both teams

2010-05-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

Where I'm from, Red Wings are shoes.

Make it into a drinking game:

Any time Lindstrom's Norris Trophies are mentioned.
Any of Datsyuk's trophies are mentioned.
Anyone says "Big Pavelski." Wait… that just makes me want to vomit.
One of the announcers/talking heads mispronounces a name. This would be great if one of them was named "Anze."
"Big Joe" Thorton.
NBC: Is Jeremy Roenick there? Chug. Just chug dammit.
Every time a beer or liquor product is advertised.
Any announcer demonstrates lack of knowledge of where San Jose is. Will not work watching the Sharks broadcast.
There is there a debate over the funniest/stupidest name on the team's roster. This works especially well for the Sharks.
Every reference to an octopus you see.
VERSUS: You think, "Gee, Brian Engblom could take some tips on mullet maintenance from Barry Melrose."
Every time someone tries really, really, really hard to bleed in order to draw a penalty.

Determine which one to hate more (or be less apathetic about), by any number of factors:
Are they in your team's division?
How annoying are their fans?
How many times have they taken your team out of the playoffs? (I will never forgive the Habs for damaging my pre-pubescent psyche)
Have they won the Cup before? How many?*
Do you have some random reason for hating one of their players? (I don't like your "beard," Crosby!)
Do you have a good reason to hate one of their players? (Rob Blake)
Were any of their players once on your team? (This is especially useful when looking at Boston and Philadelphia because Lappy trumps all [but Savard's game winner in overtime did get me all misty-eyed])
How did he leave the team? Was he traded for being a little bitch? (Mike Cammalleri)
Do you hate the city itself?
How about its airport? Does their airport suck?
Do you know anyone from that city? Like a college professor who failed you for showing up drunk or a really bad author? (If Ayn Rand were from a city with an NHL team I would totally hate that team almost as much as the Ducks)
Does the team have a stupid name? (Predators? How about the mammals or vertebrates?)

Sharks hate chess.

*In this case, I do not want any team without a Cup winning one. That's another team that's not my team that has won one.

Filler Friday: Out the ROFLbot

2010-04-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

(Bad Saturday Night Live skits, anyone?)

...and Anze Kopitar's secret victory dance.

End of the season

2010-04-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

It's important to remember the good times...

Matt Greene's pants
A mock game show
The end of Purcell watch 2009/10
A salute to Conan O'Brien

...and bad times...

Jeremy Roenick continues to reminds us of his miserable failure in LA
A post about Jon Quick's mojo
Festivus Airing of Grievances

What's all this business about "chirping?"

Drew Doughty has been nominated for the ~~Nicklas Lidstrom Award~~ Norris Trophy. In spite of having hurt his hand during game one against the Canucks. Playing against a hurt Drew Doughty is, well, still pretty difficult from the looks of it. The other nominees are Fat Mike and some kid named Duncan Keith. Not to be confused with this Fat Mike.

Dustin Brown is nominated for the NHL Foundation Award. Which is about charity or something. Fat Mike is nominated for that one, too. In the mean time, Brown is going to get a bone graft to his fucking jaw.

Game 3 in Review

2010-04-20T18:48:00.001-07:00

I was fortunate to score tickets to game 3 last night. Score them for face value, in fact. Resale tickets for a Kings playoff game in Los Angeles are now going for nearly double of the original face value.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Wait, who let these guys in?

We kept the Okies and Arkies out during the dustbowl, but we just can't keep out the Canadians.

One of the great things about LA is that it is made of people from everywhere else. I know very few people whose parents were also raised in Los Angeles. I've adopted LA as my home. In spite of having lived in other states and countries, I always come back here. Hockey Buddy and I sat next to some very nice older Canadian gentlemen who are also Kings fans.

The Staples Center is usually full of some very nice people, except when it comes to Ducks fans. We hate those fuckers. For the playoffs, less is held back (I haven't heard about any fights yet). The few Canucks fans who showed up experienced something similar to the walk of shame for the three Avs fans who show up to Frozen Fury.

It was loud. It was packed. It was sweaty. It was everything I'd been eight long years for.

I was afraid of my camera flying out of my hands, and with good reason. So I'll let Youtube tell you the story...

A nice guy named Tom posted the following two videos. Thanks, Tom, where ever you are.

There were no green men, and we didn't see Westside Rental Man, even though they did play his jam. Last night instead marked the return of cult icon Matthew "Dancing Boy" Barry:

Hockey, live music, a cult icon... is there anything last night didn't have?

This is LA! Of course we've got dead hookers!

My voice is hoarse, my towel arm is tired, and my hands are bruised. I can't wait to do it again.

For a better recap check out The Royal Half.

Primer for writing about Los Angeles and hockey

2010-04-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

One of those things that screams "This journalist knows nothing about LA!" is using Los Angeles and Hollywood interchangeably. Hollywood is a neighborhood within Los Angeles. Think of it like how SoHo is a neighborhood in Manhattan or Lake View in Chicago. The only hockey player I know of with a house in Hollywood is Sean Avery who has a house in the Hollywood Hills. They're one of those many groups of hills around here that are always catching on fire. I don't even know if Avery still owns that house. Most of the Kings players live pretty far from Hollywood around Hermosa and Manhattan Beaches.

I have slept through earthquakes. I think 60° F is cold. I'm a native Southern Californian, and I've lived in LA for about seven years; but I have yet to find this mythical "Tinsel Town" place you people keep talking about. I can recite some really obscure bits of LA history, tell you how to avoid traffic around the Westside, and find the parking meter Gary Busey had an affair with, but no fucking Tinsel Town.

Hollywood is pink on purpose.*

It does rain in Los Angeles.
Areas of the Angeles National forest do get snow.
We have many ice rinks. Youth and rec hockey are alive and well here.
You can blame Orange County (and the Ducks) for soccer moms.
Los Angeles is in Los Angeles County. Anaheim is in Orange County. Just because their baseball team changed their name doesn't make them any less not LA.
Yes, there are a lot of distractions here, which is probably why we are able to do things besides watch hockey. I don't know what, but supposedly it's possible.
Part of why hockey players are able to lead normal lives here is because being around celebrities eventually leads to apathy. We see them, we just don't care. Personally, I don't bother people when they are out grocery shopping, having dinner with the family, or walking their dogs because that would piss me off.
I fucking hate the Lakers.

*from losangelesmap.org

Game 2 in Review

2010-04-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

What's better than watching Luongo give one up to Anze Koptar?
Watching Luongo give up the game winner to Anze Kopitar.

Here's one of the silly things I love about the Kings playing the Canucks: no change in time zone. Otherwise I think my boss would notice when I need to leave at 4:30 every other day. Unlike the Olympics, we aren't getting a three hour tape delay here in the States. At least not yet. I'm looking at you, NBC.

The only predictions of the Kings-Canucks series that don't say this is going to be a seven game series are from people in the eastern timezone, most likely Canadian, who haven't watched more than maybe four Kings games in the past year. The verdict seems to be split down the down middle Kings in 7 or Canucks in 7.

The Kings aren't the only untested team in the playoffs. The Phoenix Coyotes haven't been in the playoffs since 2002, either. The Red Wings are no longer relying on Chris Osgood, in favor of Jimmy Howard, who has played a total of 9 NHL games before this season. Craig Anderson has played in more NHL games, but has never seen the playoffs, either.

So I was willing to go to a viewing party because I had a gut feeling that Kings could and would tie it up last night. Normally I won't go to viewing parties because of the sadness drinking that follows a loss. Lots and lots of sadness drinking. If I die of liver failure, blame the Kings.

Last night was the first playoff...
...assists for ~~the promised one~~ Drew Doughty and Jack Johnson.
...goal for Wayne Simmonds.
...goal for Anze Kopitar. Game winner in overtime.
...win for Jonathan Quick.

Anze Kopitar can't hear you over the sound of his own awesomeness.

Thursday was the first playoff...
...assists for Dustin Brown and Alexander Frolov. Frolov has played 536 NHL games and never seen the playoffs. Brown in a close second with 431 games.
...assist for Anze Kopitar who has played 318 games.

Your moment of zen...

Filler Friday: Salute to dudes who take hits to the face

2010-04-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

Hockey players, for all the crazy ass puck bunnies that seem to be plaguing the collective existence of people who actually know the definition of "off-sides," aren't really known for their good looks. They're often missing teeth before the age of 20, and take pucks, fists, sticks, and panes of glass to the face. They're so used to this that they often get stitched up on the bench without even a swig of Canadian whiskey.

Matt Green v. frozen piece of rubber

Oh yeah, the Kings won that game against the Canucks. Thanks in part to Matt Greene's face.

"Uh, Matt, there's blood coming out of your face."
"I know. Good game."

Ian Laperriere takes a puck to the face courtesy of Jason Jason Pominville

Brad Richardson, welcome to the club.

But don't be a little bitch about it...

"He hit my ear!"

(yeah, the real thing isn't on Youtube)

The most non-sensical explanation of a first round playoff match, ever

2010-04-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

I was busy doing taxes and replacing a shower head. Here we go:

Stay with me here...

Don't be fooled by that sly smile.

That's right, it's time for the trainers' revenge!

I've my tickets for Monday, April 21st. Hockey in April. Yeah, motherfuckers!

Here's a Rick Springfield video:

Filler Friday: Geography

2010-04-09T19:33:00.000-07:00

A gem from the Olympics:

(click to see the whole thing)

So... what is the difference between Slovenia and Slovakia anyways?

	Slovenia	Slovakia
Official Language	Slovene (Italian and Hungarian co-official in certain areas)	Slovak
NHL Players	Anže Kopitar	Pavol Demitra, Marián Gáborík, Jaroslav Halák, Michal Handzuš, Marián Hossa, Zdeno Chára, Stan Mikita, Ladislav Nagy, Žigmund Pálffy, Miroslav Šatan, Ľubomír Višňovský
Was once part of the USSR?	Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia	No, but was under Soviet control from 1948 until 1989
Has a coastline?	Yes	No
Was once part of...	Yugoslavia	Czechoslovakia
Pleaceful split from mother country?	Hell to the no	Yes
Population	2,054,199	5,379,455
Popular export	No data readily available on Wikipedia... pancakes?	Hockey players
Do people there sound like Borat?	No	Maybe
Hockey team qualified for the 2010 Olympics	No	Yes

Someone stole Jon Quick's mojo

2010-04-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

“This is my stick. There are many like it, but this one is mine.”

Question: Where did Jonathan Quick's mojo go?
a. It's buried in Patrick O'Neal's backyard.
b. That guy from Willow stole it.
c. It's making a cameo on Glee.

I really don't believe that his kid ate it.

Less this.

More this.

Stay tuned for: How Justin Williams Got His Groove back.

images yoinked from Life and Zimbio

Capitalizing on the losses of others

2010-04-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

Us LA Kings fans take a lot of flack for being Kings fans. Our team hasn't seen the playoffs in seven seasons. While I was in North Carolina earlier this year, a Canes fan told me, "You aren't a real fan until your team sucks."

So the last time I saw playoff hockey in Los Angeles I was still living two hours away (I moved to LA in 2003). The last playoff hockey I saw inside the Staples was this game in 2001:

I called myself in sick from school (cell phones and sounding like one of your parents are awesome things at that age) and headed down to LA in my piece of shit 10 year-old Ford. If you actually watch the end of that video, you can hear Bob Miller, the happiest I remember hearing him. There was crying. There was hugging of strangers. There were Red Wings' tears. Delicious Red Wings' tears, which taste like Swedish meatballs.

Last night was a pretty lackluster game for the Kings. A disappointment after Thursday, one of the worst days of Roberto Luongo's life.

The seats I had last night often have the visiting team's fans behind them. Last night was no except. A pair of exceptionally dumb Ducks fans sat right behind me. One, these people thought the Ducks stood a chance of getting the 8th seed. This would require not only for the Ducks to win all their upcoming games, but for Colorado and Calgary to lose theirs. Two, the amazing insight of things like "why don't they go down the middle?" Oh, I don't know, because when defensemen do their jobs going down the middle usually isn't an option.

Last night went into a shootout. The first two shooters, as all of us Kings fans know, are always Anze Kopitar and Jack Johnson. The third was Dustin Brown. OK, Dustin Brown just came off of a hat trick on Thursday, but I knew somewhere in the back of my head that there had to be someone better than Brown to go third.

That someone is Michal Handzus.

The big news is, with Calgary's regulation loss today, the LA Kings are going to the playoffs for the first time in eight years!

You know what would've been real cool. Watching the Chicago game at home instead of having to go to a bar, but Calgary isn't one of NBC's 6 teams that they always show.

Rangers are the only wild card in there.

...but watching the game at a bar did mean I got to watch some table dancing after Calgary lost. Baja Mexico also wanted celebrate, 'cause that's how we roll.

Filler Friday... Celebrities?

2010-04-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

I wept a little inside.*

One of the first Google results for "celebrities and hockey" turns up this story about Bollywood. After a vigorous YouTube search I have determined that they were probably referring to that grass hockey that little girls in English prep schools play.

Nothing more annoying than a foreign person who says "ice hockey" instead of just hockey.

Sure, random-celebrity I never heard of until people started saying you were banging Doughnuts, sure you love hockey for the fights.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

If you were in it for the fights, you'd show this guy some love...

No really, where are all the Simmonds fan girls?

*Mostly because my dad is a Blues fan. He's from St Louis.

Filler Friday: LOLkings

2010-03-25T17:51:00.001-07:00

I'm going on vacation. Here's an early Filler Friday.

Filler Friday: File Under "Things That Make No Sense"

2010-03-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

Various screenshot of hockey related-things around the internet that just make no sense.

Currently 13th in the Western Conference at 30 -28 - 8 after 66 games.

That's 68 points. In 66 games. And that probably won't even get them a top 5 draft pick this year.

I just don't like this. It just sounds wrong.

I'll bet they were talking about his clothes.

Yoinked from Don We Now Our Gay Apparel.

Also, the little slash thing is now an inverted question mark.

Goodbye: Teddy Purcell

2010-03-06T14:26:00.000-08:00

Well, Teddy, that time has come. We knew you were going to get traded. You were taking up too much room in the press box and we need that for shiny things to entertain Raitis Ivanans, and Davis Drewiske's hair products. You're already in Tampa* (Sorry). Located on America's wang (Sorry). Maybe you'll get your groove back there. Maybe you'll even be able to play a bottom-six winger consistently. Maybe you'll turn out to be another Matt Moulson, but signs point to no.

Something Teddy really isn't used to anymore.

We here in LA have put together some useful tips to help ease your transition.

Your teammates will really like the new guy better if you have an identity. We don't really know what it means, but we think Matt Greene was saying you have no personality.
Florida is a Spring Break hot spot, but don't let that fool you. Always ask for proof of age. Especially since only the poor kids would go to a dump like Tampa.
Practice your golf swing. I hope you listened to Brad Richardson.

Teddy, as we'll always remember him.

*As someone who has been to Tampa several times (stupid family) I can vouch for it's suckage.

Filler Friday: Pants, pants, and more pants!

2010-03-06T00:13:00.000-08:00

Observe, the pants of the Norwegian Men's curling team!

Now, that pattern may look familiar to some of you. Not just because it's argyle, but because LA Kings alternate captain Matt Greene has been seen wearing the green version of these.

I apologize if one of those stupid Carl's Jr commercials shows up.

He learned it from the interwebs.

Also, check out the awesome alligator belt buckle.

If all you see is crotch, that's your problem.

Unfortunately for Matt Greene they were not available in UND.

...but there is a UND hockey stick golf putter thing:

(also available in LA Kings and Minnesota North Stars)

Just like Happy Gilmore!

I can see Matt Greene in these:

Trade Times!

2010-03-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

(Teddy Purcell, Alex Frolov, and Jack Johnson)

Teddy Purcell was traded for this dude:

Seriously, there is already a photo of him in the Kings jersey up on the site. Go look for yourself. A faceoff guy will fit-in nicely when Jarret Stoll's junk goes out of whack. Again. UPDATE: Kwisp has a post about the nice copy and paste job from the Kings staffers.

There were some slices of fried gold on the Battle of California post about Lubo going to the Quacks. My favorite: You may own his body, but you don’t own his heart.

The Lubo cookies will make you feel better.

This may be the single greatest thing I have accomplished in five minutes.

Guess who is staying put.

Filler Friday

2010-02-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

Now, what does this remind me of... ?

It reminds me of fuzzy screencaps from Happy Gilmore!

Matt Greene: 237 lbs / 107.5 kg

Erik Ersberg: 165 lbs / 74.84kg

Since Budweiser is now owned by Belgians, not to mention just plain bad. I recommend the following:

North to the future!

Own it.

Your moment of Zen:

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro?

Who wants to go to Edmonton?

2010-02-24T21:03:00.000-08:00

With your host: Derek Armstrong!

DEREK ARMSTRONG: Hello, and welcome to our annual episode of "Who wants to go to Edmonton?" I'm your host, Derek Armstrong. Let's introduce this year's contestants. First is Teddy Purcell.
TEDDY PURCELL: I… I don't understand. Are we going to be on TV?
ARMSTRONG: Shut up, Teddy. Next we have the designated Russian. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, Alexander Frolov.
ALEXANDER FROLOV: Please don't send me to the gulags. Please.
ARMSTRONG: Finally, former first round draft pick, third overall, and media gadfly, Jack Johnson.
JACK JOHNSON: Screw you guys. Why the hell am I here?
ARMSTRONG: (laughs) Maybe you should—
JOHNSON: Shouldn't some one like Raitis be here?
ARMSTRONG: He is here. In our studio audience.
(Cut to empty audience except for Jarrett Stoll who is eating a burrito, and Raitis Ivanans who is reading Bridget Jones' Diary.)
RAITIS IVANANS: (waves copy of Bridget Jones wildly) Hey guys! You wanna go see Cats next week?
JOHNSON: Seriously?!
ARMSTRONG: (nervous laughter) You've met our contestants. Now onto our first trivia question. What year was the State of California… admitted to the Union? Americans are weird. Teddy?
PURCELL: Are you really going to send one of us to Edmonton?
ARMSTRONG: Edmonton, Calgary, Pittsburgh… they're all cold landlocked cities. Alex?
FROLOV: One-thousand eight-hundred fifty.
ARMSTRONG: You are… right! 50 points for Alex. Jack, what did you write?
JOHNSON: I wrote… "Suck it Army!"
ARMSTRONG: That would be funnier if you were Sean Connery.
JARRET STOLL: (throws popcorn) Booo! It's happy hour at Sharkeez right now!
ARMSTRONG: Our next trivia question—
JOHNSON: What happened to Teddy?

(cut to a lamp sitting on Teddy Purcell's podium)
ARMSTRONG: I have no idea what you're talking about. Ahem. Anyways, the next trivia question, what is your number. Just write the number that's on your jersey. Teddy?
(lamp sitting on podium)
ARMSTRONG: Teddy, you drew a picture of a log. I'm sorry, that is not a number.
JOHNSON: What? How did that lamp draw a picture of a log?!
ARMSTRONG: Alex? You wrote 24. You can actually write your number. That's 100 points for Mr. Frolov.
JOHNSON: Show off!
ARMSTRONG: Jack, you wrote, "Go Blue."
JOHNSON: Go blue!
ARMSTRONG: What does that even mean?
FROLOV: In Soviet Russia the only blue we had was that of frozen flesh after somebody die in the river.
ARMSTRONG: That's disturbing, Fro. Our final challenge: Name something Oscar Moller can do better than you. Teddy?

(log sitting on podium)
ARMSTRONG: Teddy, you drew a heart. I suppose maybe Oscar can love better than you since you have no personality. I'll give you the 200 points.
IVANANS: Wooo! Go Teddy! After this we watch Degrassi The Next Generation, yes?
ARMSTRONG: Alex, you wrote "Be blonde." I guess since you are not blonde Oscar is better at being blonde. 200 points for Frolov.
FROLOV: No gulags?!
ARMSTRONG: I can't make any guarantees. Just for fun, let's see what Jack had to say — Jack, you drew a box of Summer's Eve feminine hygiene product. Judges?
STOLL: You suck!
IVANANS: No. Oscar is nice young man.
ARMSTRONG: I'm sorry, Jack, but the judges have spoken. I award you no points, and may the hockey gods have mercy on your soul.

(friendly glove tap to Loser Domi)

Obligatory USA victory post!

2010-02-21T20:25:00.000-08:00

Do you believe in Millercles?

USA 5, Canada 3, NBC 0

Filler Friday!

2010-02-19T19:51:00.001-08:00

A blog I used read, back before blogs were hip, used to have Filler Fridays. Enjoy filler!

First, we have an Avalanche fan who lost a bet with C.C. Deville.

Also at Saturday's game, there were random people with wings handing out candy saying “Colorado loves California.” My first thought? Colorado is trying to poison us.

Finally, here's some kid in a Dodger blue knock-off Kopitar jersey.

…thus concludes this first Filler Friday.

Catching up with Justin Williams

2010-02-11T15:30:00.000-08:00

Partially inspired by Fake Brian Burke and Your Christmas Tree.

Click on it for more!

McSwarley Goes Behind the Orange Curtain

2010-02-09T10:29:00.000-08:00

It only looks like a short walk before you know Anaheim's crime-rate outside the immediate Disneyland area.

Last night I braved the Metrolink for the first time ever to go see a game at The ~~Pond~~ ~~Puddle~~ ~~Ponda~~ Honda Center. Now, I’ve been to The Ponda to see the Kings play the Ducks before, but that was more than ten years ago. I always felt like the place was sterile compared to the stinky, smelly magic that was The Great Western Forum. Now, as an adult, I’m pissed I didn’t have anywhere to put my liquor! Perhaps this is why people always seemed drunker at the Ponda.

The ratio of Kings to Ducks fans was pretty even. Even if they aren't wearing a jersey, Ducks fans are easy to identify with their khaki pants. Usually with a polo or some other kind of buttoned shirt tucked into their pants. Every day is a safari in Orange County! The men are also more likely to dye their hair, or even that blonde tips thing that was popular so popular ten years ago (I’m looking at you, Kyle Quincey!).

I must have a certain look that the opposing teams’ fans think: “I want to argue with that person!”

No, Sean O'Donnell was not a Duck first.
No, Sean O'Donnell played his first NHL game with the Kings in the 90s.
Sean O'Donnell has played more than 500 games as a King now (the exact total is 518 regular season games, and 8 post-season games). Yes, I know there are only 82 games in a season. Can you tell me how many games used to be in a regular NHL season? (the answer is 84)

Check out this outdated and therefore hilarious OD fan page! So that’s his ex-wife’s name.

This is the reason I hate Emilio Estevez (not really, but it would be a good reason).

I was the age group they were targeted towards when the Mighty Ducks movies were first released. Saw the first two for some kid's birthday. Can you imagine being the only kid who knew a damn thing about hockey when those movies were released? “Cake eater” is not a hockey term. It never has been. Thanks to the internet, I now know that is a Minnesotan colloquialism for a rich person from Edina.

The game? Well, the Kings’ winning streak had to end eventually, but of course we’re all pissed it was against the Ducks. Two more home games before the Olympic break. Two game winning streak… please?

Also, I have spooky voodoo memory powers!

LOLKings prozac

2010-01-20T19:01:00.000-08:00

(Warning: Increased thoughts of suicide is one of the many side-effects of Prozac)

Ducks: Still non-scariest team name ever.

2010-01-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

(also to be known as McSwarley’s salute to Conan O’Brien)

Before everyone tells me that Americans like myself have fucked up priorities because I care more about Conan O'Brien and the LA Kings than foreign disasters… AmeriCares uses 99% of all money donated to them for humanitarian aid. Before you text the Red Cross* because it’s so easy, consider that fact.

Kings 4 – Ducks 0 – Wayne Simmonds 3

One goal and two fights for Wayne Simmonds in one night. Sadly, he will have to keep trying for that Gordie Howe hat trick. Actually, I’m pretty sure he got one in Edmonton last year.

Ryan Smith also managed to get another penalty while still in the penalty box. For his mullet being too awesome. Now that’s talent!

Towards the end of the game the Ducks were so frustrated we weren’t sure if there really were that many penalties happening at once, or if the screen was broken. What was really going in those penalty boxes? Besides Ryan Getzlaf reading an Elmo book…

Three Kings, one burger.

Not that anyone outside of California was watching this game, but I think this may confuse people into thinking that we actually use subways here. Oh we have them, but mostly for the novelty value.

Hiller may be wearing orange, but since the Ducks are all things wrong in the world, I can assure you he is not on Team Conan.

Jonas Hiller: NHL goaltender, or ‘80s pop star?

I made this for no reason.

OK, I made it so I could post this.

If you weren’t already pissed about the Bobby Ryan hit on Oscar Moller, you’re welcome. Oscar, you're a champ for standing up for yourself after a hit that very well could have broken your neck. Brownie points to Drew Doughty and Brad Richardson for standing up for their Swede.

*McSwarley encourages donating blood through the Red Cross. You never know when Justin Williams, or one of Wayne Simmonds’ victims may need it.

Человек многих лиц

2010-01-05T19:49:00.000-08:00

In an effort help Andrei Loktionov learn English while he his rehabbing, the Kings staff have made a chart of Terry Murray demonstrating various emotions so he can speak to the media about the disappointment of getting a shoulder injury in his first NHL game. Not unlike the posters I remember seeing in my high school Spanish class… except my Spanish teacher also taught German so we had a poster of Jim Varney exhibiting sad in Deustch.

Festivus Airing of Grievances

2009-12-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

Going alphabetically from the roster on lakings.com...

Dustin Brown: We’re all waiting for you to get your groove back. Waiting and waiting…
Corey Elkins: Who are you, again? Well, you got your first goal in your second NHL game ever, let’s hope you turn out better than Teddy Purcell.
Alexander Frolov: Fro-love, I’m going to be candid with you, dear. When you suck you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re hurting me, too. Oh yeah, and your team.
Michal Handzus: Everything you touch turns to awesome. Start touching Frolov some more, but only in the nice, platonic-teammate way.
Raitis Ivanans: A lot of people get down on you for not being a very good forward, or being very good on the puck at all. I think you’re doing a great job of scaring the shit out of anyone who thinks he can level a little guy like Oscar Moller.

“…and as I reigned blows upon him…”
Photo from this guy.
Anze Kopitar: You started off so well this season. I guess not spending the summer in Slovenia eating pancakes really was what you needed all along. Having Ryan Smyth as your left arm probably helped, too. You need to learn to score goals without him, too. Remember, when you used to do that?
Andrei Loktionov: Next!
Oscar Moller: You know, Oscar, a lot of people are down on you for being so small. Just remind them that you’re taller than Michael Cammelleri, and have better stats than Teddy Purcell.
Teddy Purcell: Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. I liked you last season. I really did. I liked hearing that you were signed for another year with the club. What happened? You need to find that mojo fairy and demand back your mojo.
Brad Richardson: Up until last month I thought you were the biggest waste of space since John Zeiler. I still think you look like a douchebag.
Brandon Segal: Next!
Wayne Simmonds: The only problem I could have with you is you’re making those other guys look bad. Stop that!
Ryan Smyth: Well, Smytty, since you got your usual injury out of the way early this year can we expect you to be ready for the playoffs? The last thing we want is a Smyth-less Kopitar in the playoffs. The only 2-fer I want to see this year is from Disneyland.
Jarret Stoll: Please start stretching properly before and after games. Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to stretch before engaging in whatever activities shall remain unnamed with the sorority girls or cougars you probably pick up at Sharkeez. Also, stop giving Justin Williams hair tips.

Seriously, stop it with the fauxhawks.
Justin Williams: You’ve been hanging out with Stoll too much, minus the cougars. I hope.
Drew Doughty: Kind of hard to find a problem with Drew. Uh… make up your mind about that facial hair!
Davis Drewiske: Stop being so adorable.

Matt Greene: See Wayne Simmonds.
Peter Harrold: What are you doing here? Did you miss a turn on the way to Disneyland. Oh, you’re a hockey player?
Jack Johnson: Jack Jack Jack. You’re not a bad guy. You’re not a bad hockey player. What we need is for you to find your place on the team.
Randy Jones: …start hitting more? You know, when you get back. I don't know.
Sean O’Donnell: Having about 12 kids must be trying at times. How do you feed all them? You know what they say about growing boys.
Rob Scuderi: I like you, Rob, but stay away from my dog. You do kind of look like an escaped mental patient.
Erik Ersberg: Two out of three ain’t bad.
Jonathan Quick: Jon, I want you to succeed. We all want you to succeed, except maybe Stupid Sexy Bernier. In the next year, let’s try being consistent. It will probably only be another year before a better goaltender is brought to carry some of the weight.

LOL Kings

2009-12-19T19:35:00.001-08:00

I had another one about STDs, but... that’s probably too much, right?

Screen caps by me. I think that Dustin Brown photo came from Zimbio.

Two, almost three months.

2009-12-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

I haven’t posted since the start of the actual season.

I have two words: Fucking. Awesome.

Now the not so awesome: Williams, Stoll, Scuderi, and have all been out with injuries. Smyth is still out with one of those mysterious upper body injuries. Or was it lower? A friend of mine was listed with an upper body injury when another player busted his nose. I guess “broken nose” was too specific. We’ve seen Smyth, and his ugly mug looks pretty much the same.

Oh yeah, Stoll is ~~screwing MILFs~~ out, again. Fake Chris Kontos at The Royal Half also pointed out that you can’t spell Johnson without the “S.”

Jack in happier times.
Photo by Michael Zampelli of letsgokings.com.

My Fro-love has finally picked up the slack. I think. After Deano threatened to ship him to Edmonton. Since Dean Lombardi kind of looks like my uncle, I can say with false confidence that Deano knows a guy who knows a guy who can straighten out any conflicts. Just sayin’.

Randy Jones is out? Shit. Can’t spell Jones with the “S,” either.

I’m going to refrain from making predictions about any other players. After the Calgary game tonight they have eight days off. No doubt the majority of them will stay in Canada, and feast upon Timbits and poutine. While a few Americans fly back to the States, and… do they celebrate Christmas in where ever the hell Ivanans is from?

Small children are traditional Latvian Christmas dish.
Photo from this guy.

Wayne Simmonds is out with a torn meniscus. Some would argue, me included, that Simmonds brings a lot of heart to the team. I think six-weeks without Simmonds will make anyone skeptical of why we’re so crazy about him finally understand. I had the same surgery about ten years ago, and it’s not a huge threat to his health. I think it took me less than four-weeks to get off the crutches. The threat to the Kings, however, is grim.

Even without Simmonds and Smyth these guys have managed to claw their way up to the top of the Western Conference. Seriously. Look:

On a side note, I've been a regular at the Tuesday night chats [because I have no life and nothing to do at work, usually] at Barry Melrose Rocks. If you haven't checked out their site, you should. If I get ambitious I'll probably start writing bad fan fiction about Drew Doughty using Matt Greene's dog to pick up college ~~sluts~~ girls at Sharkeez.

In case you had any doubt...

2009-09-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

LA Kings fans can get pretty loud. I would say crazy, but chanting "You suck!" at the 27 Avalanche fans who showed up isn't really all that interesting. In spite of the free drinks I found that I did not need to be drunk for this game. The MGM Grand Arena isn't all that grand so I guess the free drinks kept me from noticing that my ass hurt.

That "special surprise" at 1:14 tried to start a fight with me in the food court. Which was pretty hilarious. I'm guessing the combined weight of those two is 160 lbs. A nice gentleman behind me in line remarked about how they needed to eat, and then talked to me about offsides and cherry picking in the NHL. He was a Vegas resident from the Midwest who did not know that Las Vegas has their own ECHL team. The Wranglers who play at The Orleans, off the strip. A very nice hotel. I have no idea with whom The Vegas Wranglers are affiliated, but their mascot looks like he was made of spare parts from the mascot box:

It was a magical night of free liquor, people wandering around in Kings jerseys and t-shirts, and more free booze.

List of random opinions and shit I made up for Frozen Fury XII:

Ivanans was not on the ice. Most likely because he is busy staging a coup on Latvia.
Wayne Simmonds is still a generic white player in NHL2K10. They can't go to the extra effort of putting a tint on the skin to make a generic black player?
Colorado fans are sick bastards who want players exposed to pathogens (See Wayne Simmonds beating the hell out of some Avs player).
Kyle Quincey did not look happy to be in an Avalanche uniform. Is Denver like Pittsburgh when it comes to women? I still love you anyways, Quincey.
Bailey made his preseason return. He was recently at some LA mascot thing I saw on TV. All the others were pretty tame compared to Bailey, who was going apeshit. We love you, Bailey.
Poker tournaments are boring if you aren't one of the players. Unless you're the kind of person who gets excited by famous people. Eh. Maybe I've been in LA too long for that.
Clubs in Vegas are much worse than those in LA. There are even more drunk, dirty people looking to get laid. I had to scrub myself when I got back to my hotel room alone.
Ellen Page does not look like she belongs in roller derby. She would have to gain about 30 lbs. of muscle, and even then I think the LA Derby Dolls could mop the floor with her.

Jason Allison is back!

2009-09-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

Back in LA, just in time

2009-09-21T23:29:00.000-07:00

...what day is it? It's still Monday for another half hour. Oh right, and I haven't written on this thing in a month. The Swarles has been sick as a dog. Luckily for me I was not sick in time for the games on Tuesday and Saturday.

Some thoughts from Saturday:
-Kyle Calder as a Duck is hilarious. I guess he didn't have to move far to continue to waste space.
-Stupid Sexy Jonathan Bernier is really fighting for a spot in the big kids' club.
-I. WANT. FRO. LOV.
-I am never sitting in a certain area of a certain section again. The price was good because the STH around us couldn't shut up and watch the game!
-I witnessed the most intellectual fight the NHL has ever seen. George Parros v. Kevin Westgarth. Were they arguing over whose IQ is higher or string theory? ...or Kevin was hungry and he saw some fresh duck.
-I looked Brayden Schenn in the eyes, and my underwear melted. Luckily I was wearing black shoes. What is the black market value for Schenn babies in Canada?
-Ryan Smyth's mullet is a majestic thing of beauty. It almost rivals Jim Fox as the cure for cancer.

Frozen Fury is this Saturday! Vegas, baby, Vegas!

I'm off to study Russian so I can recite Andrei Voznesensky to my sweet, sweet Fro-love in his native tongue. Not really. Two alphabets is enough for me.

Leave it to the Germans...

2009-08-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

Obligatory Jeremy Roenick Post

2009-08-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

Top 10 pop culture moments in JR's career

Roenick's time in L.A. brought out the vaudevillian in him, as he entertained the crowd during a preseason game with this dazzling display of dance. Seriously, we hadn't seen disco moves like this since that bar scene in "Airplane!"

See Ya Later Roenick

When he arrived in Los Angeles, we only got more of the same. He complained that his lack of productivity was because of a skate problem and he showed up out of shape. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he said that his horrible play was his payback for the lockout. You’d think that he was done, but he wasn’t—he just took the Kings money and ran.

Matthew Barry has no love for JR

Then he blamed his skates. He continuously fell down like a weeble and would blame his blades, or the cut in the blade, or the equipment manager who didn't know how to sharpen his skates.

There you go. This Kings fan wants my money back that I spent on games during Roenick's stint in Los Angeles. Lucky for you, JR, it's not much since your season with the Kings was during my senior year of college. Having eight classes in one semester distracted me from your complete suckage... most of the time.

Apparently our dear Jeremy also has a porn actor look alike and likes to crash weddings and steal things. I don't really believe JR has really been stealing things from weddings, but it is funny to think about.

It takes a special man to be disliked more than Sean Avery. For the record, I'd rather read Avery's blog. I'll bet he knows what shoes are going to be in for fall.

Leningrad Cowboys

2009-07-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

I've been reading too much Russian poetry.

7 Shot Screamers

2009-07-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when one listens to music that is not only unpopular, but from the wrong coast. Well, no, the 7 Shot Screamers are from St. Louis which is kind of the Midwest and kind of the South depending on who you ask.

No news is bad news

2009-07-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

During a rare trip on which the moribund Kings won four in a row, the Times ran game stories on pages 4, 5 and 10, none of them longer than 400 words. All were generic dispatches from The Associated Press.

“If we’re gone for an extended trip, we fall off the map,” said Mike Altieri, the Kings’ vice president of broadcasting and communications. “Our team is gone for 14 days sometimes. That’s a significant time to not be in what is the primary voice in the local marketplace.

...the rest on Sports Business Journal.

One of these things just doesn't belong

2009-07-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

Ten bucks says one of the interns in LA did the copy. I was looking for the segment Avery did on Cribs, but there were no complete videos to be found. I did find one, that I guess was cut, about Seany boy being a clean freak.

Goodbye: Kyle Quincey

2009-07-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

Kyle Quincey, as we like to remember him. Even though that's Detroit's Cup.

Well Kyle, to be honest, I am pretty sad that this day had to come. Most of us in LA were pretty fond of you, I think. The fact that you look kind of like Ed Norton will help you fit in anywhere. Just stop frosting your hair or whatever the hell it is you're doing to it, please. You will get even more chicks if you don't look like a late '90s senior yearbook photo.

In my head, the one where Luc is a giant Keebler elf, you and Wayne Simmonds liked to dress up Oscar Moller. At least, that's the only explanation for those weird photos where Oscar is wearing what white 50 year-old CEOs would call "urban" makes sense. In my head. What's with white people and bad sweater parties? I also think you and Simmonds took Oscar to a Western wear shop and dressed him up like a cowboy.

...and Tom Preissing, who was also traded, what the hell did you do again? All can think of is your bad contract. I've already forgotten what you look like and whether or not you're Canadian. In any case, I hope for your sake you suck less in Colorado. Maybe you should let Kyle beat you up some, to toughen you up, or just make women feel sorry for you can get some strange. Edit: I've been told that Tom Pressing is married. My best to Mrs. Preissing. (nervous laughter)

You can now look forward to bad Photoshops of Ryan Smyth and his mullet of doom.

Red Shoes

2009-07-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

Long weekend

2009-07-03T17:10:00.000-07:00

I have landed in North Carolina. Maybe I will see Patrick O'Sullivan's mom, but will probably be too drunk to notice. Love, peace, and PBR, my fellow Americans!

Wanted, dead or alive

2009-07-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

I probably spent too much time on this...

Other dead people

2009-07-02T00:57:00.000-07:00

Bob Bogle, guitarist for The Ventures.

("Wipe Out" was originally recorded by The Surfaris, but I think The Ventures do pretty well.)

Happy Canada Day!

2009-07-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

It's also free agency day. It's quiet. Almost too quiet. I hope Deano is working hard.

There was a nice, classy speech about Luc before the selection of Schenn.

It's over!

2009-06-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't bothered to look at the LA Times to see what kind of massive fail they came up with today. I'm avoiding message boards, too. The Times do hate all our home teams for some odd reason, Kings, Dodgers, and Lakers. Even I can't resist making a joke about how The Clippers don't matter, and I don't like basketball. Anaheim does not, and never has counted as Los Angeles. They're not even in the right county.

The columnist who writes about the Kings has written two letters to Uncle Phil about how he should take a personal interest in the future of the Kings. A guy who knows how to make money in real estate, petroleum, and rail really has to do nothing more than watch. He didn't make his money in sports so he hired people who know what they're doing.

Maybe I just picture Helen Elliot (I remember the name of the Times columnist now) making Uncle Phil into a crazy stage mom of 20 grown men. There is no maybe. I can see him stomping around outside the locker room yelling about how he bought them a nice venue and new jock straps.

The big news of last night is Brayden Schenn, who did not go to Toronto to play with his brother. The Staals function just fine on separate teams. Having twins is fucking cheating. Everyone knows twins have telepathy! After Schenn was picked TSN cut to a shot of Brian Burke looking indignant, and the entire ESPN Zone in Downtown LA started laughing. For a bunch of masochists we... something something.

I wish Fake Brian Burke were still around. He would have something great and bitter to say.

Oh, and Pronger has gone to to the Eastern Conference! Buh-bye, fucker! ...and Holy overpayment, Batman!

Dear lord, make it stop!

2009-06-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Luckily, I will not be in my apartment tomorrow during the beginning of the draft.

So far we have:

Heatley for Brown, #5, ~~Tom Preissing~~, and a chalupa.
Kaberle for Frolov and Michael Jackson's rights to most of The Beatles songs.
Clowe for #5 and a bag of skittles.
Ohlund for Tom Preissing's old house, Rachel Hunter, and a Del Taco franchise. (UFA)
Lecavalier for JMFJ, #5, and Rachel Hunter.

OK. I have to be serious and ask why the hell people keep coming up with scenarios that involve trading Frolov? Why trade the only scoring left wing in the franchise for another center or defenseman? I can live with Jack Johnson being traded away.

The answer:

Inspired by my car radio...

2009-06-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

Randy Newman- I Love L.A
Uploaded by droogirico - Explore more music videos.

I have to wonder if the sister stations in places like Vegas also play "I Love LA" as much as we do here.

Something you may not know about the Swarles is I am actually from a neighboring county, not Los Angeles itself. I have been living in LA for the past six years, and I love it.

Swarles' list of things to do during the off season

2009-06-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

You can see the play forming in his head.

Play armchair GM on message boards
Discuss how long it will take the Dallas Stars to implode
Try to find the world's weirdest Wikipedia entry
Find yet another social networking site to join
Get bored with another social networking site
Sign up for dental insurance
Browse eBay for licensed merchandise
Draft a farewell letter to Alex Frolov/Jack Johnson/John Zeiler — please, please be Zeiler
Watch "classic" games on Fox Sports Prime Ticket on Tuesday nights
Go to a Twitter party — what is the world coming to?
Catch up on episodes of Law & Order
Is it Christmas?
How about the weather?
Learn how to open a coconut
Browse hockey-related movies on Netflix
Eat your own weight in tacos and sleep until September 26th
Research moving to Canada
Realise moving to Canada is a lot easier said than done
Pretend to care about baseball or one of those other sports
Steal all the Lakers flags you can and sew them into blankets to give to the homeless (McSwarley cares)
Do one of those tourist things like see a live taping
Make your own gin
Look at pictures of stupid sexy Bernier
Sign a petition to get recognition for someone who actually played inside the Staples Center

Luuuuuc!

2009-06-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

The obvious hockey news for today is that Luc got the call for the Hockey Hall of Fame. As if there were any doubt. I grew up watching Luc play, and for me Luc is hockey.

Music Wednesday

2009-06-17T12:37:00.000-07:00

It gets exposed to new things and it likes it. Here's some lotion.

KingsCast: Toyota Sports Center

2009-06-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

What do Los Angeles Kings fans do in the offseason when there's no LA hockey to watch? Visit the Toyota Sports Center and see what happens. The quick answer: not much.

Brought to you by the fine folks at KingsCast.

When you're unemployed, hanging around the TSC doesn't sound so bad... at first. I also haven't been since the last practice, where quite a few fans and I waited at least an hour to see something. I give bonus points to Derek Armstrong for supplying a mother with pucks for her hockey hungry children.

Official Game 7 Post

2009-06-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

Well, some of the Wings fans are certainly sore losers. Take a page from us Kings fans. Drink more. Drink enough and you forget everything after the first period.

...is Fluery speaking an Earth language?

Game Six

2009-06-10T00:09:00.000-07:00

NBC actually showed a hockey game on a week day. Surely this is a sign the coming apocalypse*. After, 12:34:56 7/8/09 is not happening just once, but twice this year!

Conquest - White Horse - Bettman. Who else? Though I should add that he is failing horribly.
War - Red Horse - George Parros. Parros creeps me out with that porn 'stache of his. And Zach Stortini is just too obvious. Honorable mention to Sean Avery for starting a shit storm over something really, really stupid.
Famine - Black Horse - Marty Brodeur. He ate all my pie, man! I live in a city that has a House of Pies!
Death - Pale Horse - Just about anyone in the NHL could kill me. Except maybe Mike Cammelleri or Oscar Moller. Oscar is just too adorable.

*Actually I'm not into the whole Jesus thing. This is a literary exercise. By some one who did not go to school for the liberal arts... and used to write ad copy for a living.

At this point I really don't care who wins. I just want to see them beat the crap out of each other. I guess Hossa getting his cup would be a good thing, so us here in LA can keep dreaming that he'll sign here.

Rampant! Baseless! Speculation!

2009-06-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Vincent Lecavalier for Zeiler, Richardson, and a Bettman bobblehead.

Special thanks to the fellas at Life in Hockeywood for the inspiration.

LA Times FAIL

2009-06-03T11:06:00.001-07:00

I'm told that the fella in the photo is Kelvim Escobar. I know next to nothing about baseball, especially the [not even in the county of] Los Angeles Angels.

In the interest of making Mr. Escobar a little bit more convincing as a hockey player, I took 30 seconds out of my day to draw on him (you'll have to click on it):

Post One: Creepy Crosby

2009-06-02T21:40:00.001-07:00

Photoshop + Creepy Playoff Beard + Megan's Law Website=

I forgot how creepy it is to look at the Megan's Law Website. Sidney went from "Is that mold on his face?" to "Stay away from my kids!" in one season. Congratulations, Sid. I'm going to drink now so I can cheer for the Wings without feeling completely dirty.