10 things that are worse than the Ilya Kovalchuk mess

• The Office
• Writing an essay on Ayn Rand to get an academic scholarship
• Chocolate pelicans, though one can apparently buy their poop now?
• Dealing with idiots
• Puppy mills
• Guns 'n Roses' fifth album
• Unemployment
• Cancer
• Mike Green
• Trying to think of ten things worse than Ilya Kovalchuk playing with your emotions

Side note: I went to college with a girl named Ilya. Girl. Named Ilya.

Goodbye: Sean O'Donnell

No one can blame you for not wanting to retire yet, OD. I won't begrudge you that. Hell, we even named an imaginary—at least I think it's imaginary—legal clause after you. No Duck can be a King unless he was a King first, it's the Sean O'Donnell Clause*. This lets me hold out hope that some day George Parros will see the err in his ways.



In Philly, you'll be able to fight Dion Phanuef some more. You'll also get eat some strange thing called a "cheesesteak." Whatever. I don't think it's as good as an animal style double-double when you're hungover or just got off a five-hour plane ride. No, that is not a sex act.

I've been watching you since I was a kid so it's hard not to be sentimental.

Have fun, and maybe we'll see you back in the Southland in a few years.

*Someone on LGK made this up. I can't take credit.

Up-Chuking

Today will be day five of free agency or the Kovalchuk Sweepstakes. Dean Lombardi has yet to sign any free agents, so of course Kings fans are whining, panicking, threatening suicide and whatnot. Hey, I would like to have a Richard Rocket Trophy winner as much as any other fan out there. I also see that in the salary-cap era, bleeding the team dry to pay that one player is a really fucking dumb idea.

You know what else sucks about a $100M contract? No one wants to take that trade! If Kovy ends up on the wrong side of Matt Cooke's knee and suddenly becomes an overpaid 15-goal scorer, that really is a huge blunder. Suddenly the Justin Williams deal doesn't seem so bad since it's not a 10+year contract.



If anyone is going to get a 10 year contract out of Deano it's Drew Doughty, who has had the crown tattoo'd on his ass since the age of five.

I don't know that much about Ilya Kovalchuk. I don't know if he's really a nice guy who recycles, and adopts dogs from the shelter instead of buying them from stores who get their animals from evil, no good puppy farms. He might be the first guy you call when you're too drunk to drive yourself home and don't have the cash for a cab.

If Kovalchuk does take an offer from a team like the Islanders, Panthers, or Columbus—who all have the cap space—instead of team like the Kings it does tell me one thing: he cares a whole lot more about money than being on a playoff team.

I want a second-line centre* and a sniper for Christmas. I really do.

I'm not a Dean Lombardi cheerleader, but this is the longest the Kings have ever stuck to a plan instead of looking for the quick-fix.

You know what else? I'm not a GM. I don't expect a whole lot of other people to be capable of my job, putting up with my batshit crazy boss and clientele, and not screwing up severely to cost money I don't have.

*Jarret Stoll is third-line centre number one. You know it, I know it, and the Canadian people know it. I've given up on explaining backchecking to other Americans.

Draft Day in LA... and stuff.

Your poster boys: Jack Johnson and [probably?] Tim Thomas.

Great. As if those nightmares I used to have about Kingston weren't enough, we can terrify a whole new generation of children.

Vendors!

In case you didn't know, no event at LA Live is complete without douchebags.

It kind of like watching the stock exchange... except they're exchanging people!

These people got lost on their way to prom.

Even with the special podium, the photographer is using the old shooting from below trick.

...but the worst part was when they cut off the liquor and beer sales.

The video department was hard at work removing the logo from the third jersey footage to make this seem more neutral:

Premium Draft Beer

I will be drinking a lot of beer waiting for pick #19 tomorrow.

Good job, Deano (after Anze Kopitar's game [game 2] winner in over time).

To those here in LA for the draft, I have one two things to say to you:

• Quit whining about traffic and plug in your iPod/CD player/8 track.
• The closest In-n-Out to the Staples Center is on Sunset and Orange in Hollywood. I order a number 2 animal style with easy spread .

Maybe Jeremy Roenick will cry again...

No?

I'll be posting random things on Twitter all day. Expect more incoherence the closer to 4 o'clock we get.

Filler Friday: Anaface

Anaface is some little program that is supposed to analyze facial features in proportion and symmetry and access how beauteous one is.

What does this have to do with hockey players? Well, I got bored and put some of them in Anaface.

Let's start off with someone we all know...


Sidney Crosby is pushing a 6.59/10 which is not too shabby. Those big fat lips aren't helping him here, though. Perhaps Angelina Jolie can give him some pointers on looking like a prostitute pouting.



Drew Doughty has a 6.43/10. Some creepy chicks on the internet may argue about that one. If Emeril Lagasse mated with a teddy bear, then somehow the fetus was exposed to radiation, the result would be Doughnuts.



Fro-love has a 6.11/10. Getting hit in the face a lot may affect symmetry. Just a hunch. I'm pretty sure we won't be seeing those big blue eyes back in LA in October. This makes McSwarley sad.



Jack Johnson can't even crack 5 points. Again, he's been hit in the face. A lot.



Somehow, even with a bag over my head, I can do better than Sidney Crosby. Obviously this thing is broken.

Filler Friday: Shit Hawks

They're swooping in low.