With your host: Derek Armstrong!
DEREK ARMSTRONG: Hello, and welcome to our annual episode of "Who wants to go to Edmonton?" I'm your host, Derek Armstrong. Let's introduce this year's contestants. First is Teddy Purcell.
TEDDY PURCELL: I… I don't understand. Are we going to be on TV?
ARMSTRONG: Shut up, Teddy. Next we have the designated Russian. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, Alexander Frolov.
ALEXANDER FROLOV: Please don't send me to the gulags. Please.
ARMSTRONG: Finally, former first round draft pick, third overall, and media gadfly, Jack Johnson.
JACK JOHNSON: Screw you guys. Why the hell am I here?
ARMSTRONG: (laughs) Maybe you should—
JOHNSON: Shouldn't some one like Raitis be here?
ARMSTRONG: He is here. In our studio audience.
(Cut to empty audience except for Jarrett Stoll who is eating a burrito, and Raitis Ivanans who is reading Bridget Jones' Diary.)
RAITIS IVANANS: (waves copy of Bridget Jones wildly) Hey guys! You wanna go see Cats next week?
ARMSTRONG: (nervous laughter) You've met our contestants. Now onto our first trivia question. What year was the State of California… admitted to the Union? Americans are weird. Teddy?
PURCELL: Are you really going to send one of us to Edmonton?
ARMSTRONG: Edmonton, Calgary, Pittsburgh… they're all cold landlocked cities. Alex?
FROLOV: One-thousand eight-hundred fifty.
ARMSTRONG: You are… right! 50 points for Alex. Jack, what did you write?
JOHNSON: I wrote… "Suck it Army!"
ARMSTRONG: That would be funnier if you were Sean Connery.
JARRET STOLL: (throws popcorn) Booo! It's happy hour at Sharkeez right now!
ARMSTRONG: Our next trivia question—
JOHNSON: What happened to Teddy?
(cut to a lamp sitting on Teddy Purcell's podium)
ARMSTRONG: I have no idea what you're talking about. Ahem. Anyways, the next trivia question, what is your number. Just write the number that's on your jersey. Teddy?
(lamp sitting on podium)
ARMSTRONG: Teddy, you drew a picture of a log. I'm sorry, that is not a number.
JOHNSON: What? How did that lamp draw a picture of a log?!
ARMSTRONG: Alex? You wrote 24. You can actually write your number. That's 100 points for Mr. Frolov.
JOHNSON: Show off!
ARMSTRONG: Jack, you wrote, "Go Blue."
JOHNSON: Go blue!
ARMSTRONG: What does that even mean?
FROLOV: In Soviet Russia the only blue we had was that of frozen flesh after somebody die in the river.
ARMSTRONG: That's disturbing, Fro. Our final challenge: Name something Oscar Moller can do better than you. Teddy?
(log sitting on podium)
ARMSTRONG: Teddy, you drew a heart. I suppose maybe Oscar can love better than you since you have no personality. I'll give you the 200 points.
IVANANS: Wooo! Go Teddy! After this we watch Degrassi The Next Generation, yes?
ARMSTRONG: Alex, you wrote "Be blonde." I guess since you are not blonde Oscar is better at being blonde. 200 points for Frolov.
FROLOV: No gulags?!
ARMSTRONG: I can't make any guarantees. Just for fun, let's see what Jack had to say — Jack, you drew a box of Summer's Eve feminine hygiene product. Judges?
STOLL: You suck!
IVANANS: No. Oscar is nice young man.
ARMSTRONG: I'm sorry, Jack, but the judges have spoken. I award you no points, and may the hockey gods have mercy on your soul.
(friendly glove tap to Loser Domi)