Thursday, December 24, 2009

Festivus Airing of Grievances

Going alphabetically from the roster on

Dustin Brown: We’re all waiting for you to get your groove back. Waiting and waiting…
Corey Elkins: Who are you, again? Well, you got your first goal in your second NHL game ever, let’s hope you turn out better than Teddy Purcell.
Alexander Frolov: Fro-love, I’m going to be candid with you, dear. When you suck you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re hurting me, too. Oh yeah, and your team.
Michal Handzus: Everything you touch turns to awesome. Start touching Frolov some more, but only in the nice, platonic-teammate way.
Raitis Ivanans: A lot of people get down on you for not being a very good forward, or being very good on the puck at all. I think you’re doing a great job of scaring the shit out of anyone who thinks he can level a little guy like Oscar Moller.

“…and as I reigned blows upon him…”
Photo from this guy.

Anze Kopitar: You started off so well this season. I guess not spending the summer in Slovenia eating pancakes really was what you needed all along. Having Ryan Smyth as your left arm probably helped, too. You need to learn to score goals without him, too. Remember, when you used to do that?
Andrei Loktionov: Next!
Oscar Moller: You know, Oscar, a lot of people are down on you for being so small. Just remind them that you’re taller than Michael Cammelleri, and have better stats than Teddy Purcell.
Teddy Purcell: Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. I liked you last season. I really did. I liked hearing that you were signed for another year with the club. What happened? You need to find that mojo fairy and demand back your mojo.
Brad Richardson: Up until last month I thought you were the biggest waste of space since John Zeiler. I still think you look like a douchebag.
Brandon Segal: Next!
Wayne Simmonds: The only problem I could have with you is you’re making those other guys look bad. Stop that!
Ryan Smyth: Well, Smytty, since you got your usual injury out of the way early this year can we expect you to be ready for the playoffs? The last thing we want is a Smyth-less Kopitar in the playoffs. The only 2-fer I want to see this year is from Disneyland.
Jarret Stoll: Please start stretching properly before and after games. Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to stretch before engaging in whatever activities shall remain unnamed with the sorority girls or cougars you probably pick up at Sharkeez. Also, stop giving Justin Williams hair tips.

Seriously, stop it with the fauxhawks.

Justin Williams: You’ve been hanging out with Stoll too much, minus the cougars. I hope.
Drew Doughty: Kind of hard to find a problem with Drew. Uh… make up your mind about that facial hair!
Davis Drewiske: Stop being so adorable.

Matt Greene: See Wayne Simmonds.
Peter Harrold: What are you doing here? Did you miss a turn on the way to Disneyland. Oh, you’re a hockey player?
Jack Johnson: Jack Jack Jack. You’re not a bad guy. You’re not a bad hockey player. What we need is for you to find your place on the team.
Randy Jones: …start hitting more? You know, when you get back. I don't know.
Sean O’Donnell: Having about 12 kids must be trying at times. How do you feed all them? You know what they say about growing boys.
Rob Scuderi: I like you, Rob, but stay away from my dog. You do kind of look like an escaped mental patient.
Erik Ersberg: Two out of three ain’t bad.
Jonathan Quick: Jon, I want you to succeed. We all want you to succeed, except maybe Stupid Sexy Bernier. In the next year, let’s try being consistent. It will probably only be another year before a better goaltender is brought to carry some of the weight.

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