Filler Friday: Anaface

Anaface is some little program that is supposed to analyze facial features in proportion and symmetry and access how beauteous one is.

What does this have to do with hockey players? Well, I got bored and put some of them in Anaface.

Let's start off with someone we all know...


Sidney Crosby is pushing a 6.59/10 which is not too shabby. Those big fat lips aren't helping him here, though. Perhaps Angelina Jolie can give him some pointers on looking like a prostitute pouting.



Drew Doughty has a 6.43/10. Some creepy chicks on the internet may argue about that one. If Emeril Lagasse mated with a teddy bear, then somehow the fetus was exposed to radiation, the result would be Doughnuts.



Fro-love has a 6.11/10. Getting hit in the face a lot may affect symmetry. Just a hunch. I'm pretty sure we won't be seeing those big blue eyes back in LA in October. This makes McSwarley sad.



Jack Johnson can't even crack 5 points. Again, he's been hit in the face. A lot.



Somehow, even with a bag over my head, I can do better than Sidney Crosby. Obviously this thing is broken.

Filler Friday: Shit Hawks

They're swooping in low.

Filler Friday: Shark Hatred

Just imagine Patrick Kane has Mr. T's stupid haircut instead of a mullet. What, you were expecting Dustin Byfuglien?

Things I hate almost as much as the Sharks:

• "The Office."
• Paragraphs containing double-spaces after final punctuation even though there has been no need for it for at least the past fifteen years, unless you're using an actual typewriter.
• That it seems at least 75% of the general population is obsessed with bacon.
• The cancellation of "My Name is Earl."
• Creme filling.
• Listening to Republicans fight over who is more conservative in one of the most liberal states in the country. You know, where that might not be a good thing when campaigning for governor.
• Brian Willsie.

How to watch a playoff series when you hate both teams

Where I'm from, Red Wings are shoes.

Make it into a drinking game:

• Any time Lindstrom's Norris Trophies are mentioned.
• Any of Datsyuk's trophies are mentioned.
• Anyone says "Big Pavelski." Wait… that just makes me want to vomit.
• One of the announcers/talking heads mispronounces a name. This would be great if one of them was named "Anze."
• "Big Joe" Thorton.
• NBC: Is Jeremy Roenick there? Chug. Just chug dammit.
• Every time a beer or liquor product is advertised.
• Any announcer demonstrates lack of knowledge of where San Jose is. Will not work watching the Sharks broadcast.
• There is there a debate over the funniest/stupidest name on the team's roster. This works especially well for the Sharks.
• Every reference to an octopus you see.
• VERSUS: You think, "Gee, Brian Engblom could take some tips on mullet maintenance from Barry Melrose."
• Every time someone tries really, really, really hard to bleed in order to draw a penalty.

Determine which one to hate more (or be less apathetic about), by any number of factors:

• Are they in your team's division?
• How annoying are their fans?
• How many times have they taken your team out of the playoffs? (I will never forgive the Habs for damaging my pre-pubescent psyche)
• Have they won the Cup before? How many?*
• Do you have some random reason for hating one of their players? (I don't like your "beard," Crosby!)
• Do you have a good reason to hate one of their players? (Rob Blake)
• Were any of their players once on your team? (This is especially useful when looking at Boston and Philadelphia because Lappy trumps all [but Savard's game winner in overtime did get me all misty-eyed])
• How did he leave the team? Was he traded for being a little bitch? (Mike Cammalleri)
• Do you hate the city itself?
• How about its airport? Does their airport suck?
• Do you know anyone from that city? Like a college professor who failed you for showing up drunk or a really bad author? (If Ayn Rand were from a city with an NHL team I would totally hate that team almost as much as the Ducks)
• Does the team have a stupid name? (Predators? How about the mammals or vertebrates?)

Sharks hate chess.

*In this case, I do not want any team without a Cup winning one. That's another team that's not my team that has won one.

Filler Friday: Out the ROFLbot

(Bad Saturday Night Live skits, anyone?)












...and Anze Kopitar's secret victory dance.

End of the season

It's important to remember the good times...



Matt Greene's pants
A mock game show
The end of Purcell watch 2009/10
A salute to Conan O'Brien

...and bad times...

Jeremy Roenick continues to reminds us of his miserable failure in LA
A post about Jon Quick's mojo
Festivus Airing of Grievances

What's all this business about "chirping?"



Drew Doughty has been nominated for the Nicklas Lidstrom Award Norris Trophy. In spite of having hurt his hand during game one against the Canucks. Playing against a hurt Drew Doughty is, well, still pretty difficult from the looks of it. The other nominees are Fat Mike and some kid named Duncan Keith. Not to be confused with this Fat Mike.

Dustin Brown is nominated for the NHL Foundation Award. Which is about charity or something. Fat Mike is nominated for that one, too. In the mean time, Brown is going to get a bone graft to his fucking jaw.

Game 3 in Review

I was fortunate to score tickets to game 3 last night. Score them for face value, in fact. Resale tickets for a Kings playoff game in Los Angeles are now going for nearly double of the original face value.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Wait, who let these guys in?

We kept the Okies and Arkies out during the dustbowl, but we just can't keep out the Canadians.

One of the great things about LA is that it is made of people from everywhere else. I know very few people whose parents were also raised in Los Angeles. I've adopted LA as my home. In spite of having lived in other states and countries, I always come back here. Hockey Buddy and I sat next to some very nice older Canadian gentlemen who are also Kings fans.

The Staples Center is usually full of some very nice people, except when it comes to Ducks fans. We hate those fuckers. For the playoffs, less is held back (I haven't heard about any fights yet). The few Canucks fans who showed up experienced something similar to the walk of shame for the three Avs fans who show up to Frozen Fury.

It was loud. It was packed. It was sweaty. It was everything I'd been eight long years for.

I was afraid of my camera flying out of my hands, and with good reason. So I'll let Youtube tell you the story...

A nice guy named Tom posted the following two videos. Thanks, Tom, where ever you are.


There were no green men, and we didn't see Westside Rental Man, even though they did play his jam. Last night instead marked the return of cult icon Matthew "Dancing Boy" Barry:



Hockey, live music, a cult icon... is there anything last night didn't have?



This is LA! Of course we've got dead hookers!

My voice is hoarse, my towel arm is tired, and my hands are bruised. I can't wait to do it again.

For a better recap check out The Royal Half.