Friday, May 14, 2010

Filler Friday: Shark Hatred

Just imagine Patrick Kane has Mr. T's stupid haircut instead of a mullet. What, you were expecting Dustin Byfuglien?

Things I hate almost as much as the Sharks:

  • "The Office."
  • Paragraphs containing double-spaces after final punctuation even though there has been no need for it for at least the past fifteen years, unless you're using an actual typewriter.
  • That it seems at least 75% of the general population is obsessed with bacon.
  • The cancellation of "My Name is Earl."
  • Creme filling.
  • Listening to Republicans fight over who is more conservative in one of the most liberal states in the country. You know, where that might not be a good thing when campaigning for governor.
  • Brian Willsie.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

How to watch a playoff series when you hate both teams

Where I'm from, Red Wings are shoes.

Make it into a drinking game:
  • Any time Lindstrom's Norris Trophies are mentioned.
  • Any of Datsyuk's trophies are mentioned.
  • Anyone says "Big Pavelski." Wait… that just makes me want to vomit.
  • One of the announcers/talking heads mispronounces a name. This would be great if one of them was named "Anze."
  • "Big Joe" Thorton.
  • NBC: Is Jeremy Roenick there? Chug. Just chug dammit.
  • Every time a beer or liquor product is advertised.
  • Any announcer demonstrates lack of knowledge of where San Jose is. Will not work watching the Sharks broadcast.
  • There is there a debate over the funniest/stupidest name on the team's roster. This works especially well for the Sharks.
  • Every reference to an octopus you see.
  • VERSUS: You think, "Gee, Brian Engblom could take some tips on mullet maintenance from Barry Melrose."
  • Every time someone tries really, really, really hard to bleed in order to draw a penalty.

Determine which one to hate more (or be less apathetic about), by any number of factors:
  • Are they in your team's division?
  • How annoying are their fans?
  • How many times have they taken your team out of the playoffs? (I will never forgive the Habs for damaging my pre-pubescent psyche)
  • Have they won the Cup before? How many?*
  • Do you have some random reason for hating one of their players? (I don't like your "beard," Crosby!)
  • Do you have a good reason to hate one of their players? (Rob Blake)
  • Were any of their players once on your team? (This is especially useful when looking at Boston and Philadelphia because Lappy trumps all [but Savard's game winner in overtime did get me all misty-eyed])
  • How did he leave the team? Was he traded for being a little bitch? (Mike Cammalleri)
  • Do you hate the city itself?
  • How about its airport? Does their airport suck?
  • Do you know anyone from that city? Like a college professor who failed you for showing up drunk or a really bad author? (If Ayn Rand were from a city with an NHL team I would totally hate that team almost as much as the Ducks)
  • Does the team have a stupid name? (Predators? How about the mammals or vertebrates?)

Sharks hate chess.

*In this case, I do not want any team without a Cup winning one. That's another team that's not my team that has won one.