Saturday, June 27, 2009

It's over!

I haven't bothered to look at the LA Times to see what kind of massive fail they came up with today. I'm avoiding message boards, too. The Times do hate all our home teams for some odd reason, Kings, Dodgers, and Lakers. Even I can't resist making a joke about how The Clippers don't matter, and I don't like basketball. Anaheim does not, and never has counted as Los Angeles. They're not even in the right county.

The columnist who writes about the Kings has written two letters to Uncle Phil about how he should take a personal interest in the future of the Kings. A guy who knows how to make money in real estate, petroleum, and rail really has to do nothing more than watch. He didn't make his money in sports so he hired people who know what they're doing.

Maybe I just picture Helen Elliot (I remember the name of the Times columnist now) making Uncle Phil into a crazy stage mom of 20 grown men. There is no maybe. I can see him stomping around outside the locker room yelling about how he bought them a nice venue and new jock straps.

The big news of last night is Brayden Schenn, who did not go to Toronto to play with his brother. The Staals function just fine on separate teams. Having twins is fucking cheating. Everyone knows twins have telepathy! After Schenn was picked TSN cut to a shot of Brian Burke looking indignant, and the entire ESPN Zone in Downtown LA started laughing. For a bunch of masochists we... something something.

I wish Fake Brian Burke were still around. He would have something great and bitter to say.

Oh, and Pronger has gone to to the Eastern Conference! Buh-bye, fucker! ...and Holy overpayment, Batman!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dear lord, make it stop!


Luckily, I will not be in my apartment tomorrow during the beginning of the draft.

So far we have:
  1. Heatley for Brown, #5, Tom Preissing, and a chalupa.
  2. Kaberle for Frolov and Michael Jackson's rights to most of The Beatles songs.
  3. Clowe for #5 and a bag of skittles.
  4. Ohlund for Tom Preissing's old house, Rachel Hunter, and a Del Taco franchise. (UFA)
  5. Lecavalier for JMFJ, #5, and Rachel Hunter.
OK. I have to be serious and ask why the hell people keep coming up with scenarios that involve trading Frolov? Why trade the only scoring left wing in the franchise for another center or defenseman? I can live with Jack Johnson being traded away.

The answer:

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Inspired by my car radio...

I have to wonder if the sister stations in places like Vegas also play "I Love LA" as much as we do here.

Something you may not know about the Swarles is I am actually from a neighboring county, not Los Angeles itself. I have been living in LA for the past six years, and I love it.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Swarles' list of things to do during the off season

You can see the play forming in his head.

  • Play armchair GM on message boards
  • Discuss how long it will take the Dallas Stars to implode
  • Try to find the world's weirdest Wikipedia entry
  • Find yet another social networking site to join
  • Get bored with another social networking site
  • Sign up for dental insurance
  • Browse eBay for licensed merchandise
  • Draft a farewell letter to Alex Frolov/Jack Johnson/John Zeiler — please, please be Zeiler
  • Watch "classic" games on Fox Sports Prime Ticket on Tuesday nights
  • Go to a Twitter party — what is the world coming to?
  • Catch up on episodes of Law & Order
  • Is it Christmas?
  • How about the weather?
  • Learn how to open a coconut
  • Browse hockey-related movies on Netflix
  • Eat your own weight in tacos and sleep until September 26th
  • Research moving to Canada
  • Realise moving to Canada is a lot easier said than done
  • Pretend to care about baseball or one of those other sports
  • Steal all the Lakers flags you can and sew them into blankets to give to the homeless (McSwarley cares)
  • Do one of those tourist things like see a live taping
  • Make your own gin
  • Look at pictures of stupid sexy Bernier
  • Sign a petition to get recognition for someone who actually played inside the Staples Center


The obvious hockey news for today is that Luc got the call for the Hockey Hall of Fame. As if there were any doubt. I grew up watching Luc play, and for me Luc is hockey.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Saturday, June 13, 2009

KingsCast: Toyota Sports Center

What do Los Angeles Kings fans do in the offseason when there's no LA hockey to watch? Visit the Toyota Sports Center and see what happens. The quick answer: not much.

Brought to you by the fine folks at KingsCast.

When you're unemployed, hanging around the TSC doesn't sound so bad... at first. I also haven't been since the last practice, where quite a few fans and I waited at least an hour to see something. I give bonus points to Derek Armstrong for supplying a mother with pucks for her hockey hungry children.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Official Game 7 Post

Well, some of the Wings fans are certainly sore losers. Take a page from us Kings fans. Drink more. Drink enough and you forget everything after the first period. Fluery speaking an Earth language?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Game Six

NBC actually showed a hockey game on a week day. Surely this is a sign the coming apocalypse*. After, 12:34:56 7/8/09 is not happening just once, but twice this year!

Conquest - White Horse - Bettman. Who else? Though I should add that he is failing horribly.
War - Red Horse - George Parros. Parros creeps me out with that porn 'stache of his. And Zach Stortini is just too obvious. Honorable mention to Sean Avery for starting a shit storm over something really, really stupid.
Famine - Black Horse - Marty Brodeur. He ate all my pie, man! I live in a city that has a House of Pies!
Death - Pale Horse - Just about anyone in the NHL could kill me. Except maybe Mike Cammelleri or Oscar Moller. Oscar is just too adorable.

*Actually I'm not into the whole Jesus thing. This is a literary exercise. By some one who did not go to school for the liberal arts... and used to write ad copy for a living.

At this point I really don't care who wins. I just want to see them beat the crap out of each other. I guess Hossa getting his cup would be a good thing, so us here in LA can keep dreaming that he'll sign here.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I'm told that the fella in the photo is Kelvim Escobar. I know next to nothing about baseball, especially the [not even in the county of] Los Angeles Angels.

In the interest of making Mr. Escobar a little bit more convincing as a hockey player, I took 30 seconds out of my day to draw on him (you'll have to click on it):

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Post One: Creepy Crosby

Photoshop + Creepy Playoff Beard + Megan's Law Website=

I forgot how creepy it is to look at the Megan's Law Website. Sidney went from "Is that mold on his face?" to "Stay away from my kids!" in one season. Congratulations, Sid. I'm going to drink now so I can cheer for the Wings without feeling completely dirty.