Thursday, December 24, 2009

Festivus Airing of Grievances

Going alphabetically from the roster on

Dustin Brown: We’re all waiting for you to get your groove back. Waiting and waiting…
Corey Elkins: Who are you, again? Well, you got your first goal in your second NHL game ever, let’s hope you turn out better than Teddy Purcell.
Alexander Frolov: Fro-love, I’m going to be candid with you, dear. When you suck you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re hurting me, too. Oh yeah, and your team.
Michal Handzus: Everything you touch turns to awesome. Start touching Frolov some more, but only in the nice, platonic-teammate way.
Raitis Ivanans: A lot of people get down on you for not being a very good forward, or being very good on the puck at all. I think you’re doing a great job of scaring the shit out of anyone who thinks he can level a little guy like Oscar Moller.

“…and as I reigned blows upon him…”
Photo from this guy.

Anze Kopitar: You started off so well this season. I guess not spending the summer in Slovenia eating pancakes really was what you needed all along. Having Ryan Smyth as your left arm probably helped, too. You need to learn to score goals without him, too. Remember, when you used to do that?
Andrei Loktionov: Next!
Oscar Moller: You know, Oscar, a lot of people are down on you for being so small. Just remind them that you’re taller than Michael Cammelleri, and have better stats than Teddy Purcell.
Teddy Purcell: Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. I liked you last season. I really did. I liked hearing that you were signed for another year with the club. What happened? You need to find that mojo fairy and demand back your mojo.
Brad Richardson: Up until last month I thought you were the biggest waste of space since John Zeiler. I still think you look like a douchebag.
Brandon Segal: Next!
Wayne Simmonds: The only problem I could have with you is you’re making those other guys look bad. Stop that!
Ryan Smyth: Well, Smytty, since you got your usual injury out of the way early this year can we expect you to be ready for the playoffs? The last thing we want is a Smyth-less Kopitar in the playoffs. The only 2-fer I want to see this year is from Disneyland.
Jarret Stoll: Please start stretching properly before and after games. Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to stretch before engaging in whatever activities shall remain unnamed with the sorority girls or cougars you probably pick up at Sharkeez. Also, stop giving Justin Williams hair tips.

Seriously, stop it with the fauxhawks.

Justin Williams: You’ve been hanging out with Stoll too much, minus the cougars. I hope.
Drew Doughty: Kind of hard to find a problem with Drew. Uh… make up your mind about that facial hair!
Davis Drewiske: Stop being so adorable.

Matt Greene: See Wayne Simmonds.
Peter Harrold: What are you doing here? Did you miss a turn on the way to Disneyland. Oh, you’re a hockey player?
Jack Johnson: Jack Jack Jack. You’re not a bad guy. You’re not a bad hockey player. What we need is for you to find your place on the team.
Randy Jones: …start hitting more? You know, when you get back. I don't know.
Sean O’Donnell: Having about 12 kids must be trying at times. How do you feed all them? You know what they say about growing boys.
Rob Scuderi: I like you, Rob, but stay away from my dog. You do kind of look like an escaped mental patient.
Erik Ersberg: Two out of three ain’t bad.
Jonathan Quick: Jon, I want you to succeed. We all want you to succeed, except maybe Stupid Sexy Bernier. In the next year, let’s try being consistent. It will probably only be another year before a better goaltender is brought to carry some of the weight.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

LOL Kings

I had another one about STDs, but... that’s probably too much, right?

Screen caps by me. I think that Dustin Brown photo came from Zimbio.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Two, almost three months.

I haven’t posted since the start of the actual season.

I have two words: Fucking. Awesome.

Now the not so awesome: Williams, Stoll, Scuderi, and have all been out with injuries. Smyth is still out with one of those mysterious upper body injuries. Or was it lower? A friend of mine was listed with an upper body injury when another player busted his nose. I guess “broken nose” was too specific. We’ve seen Smyth, and his ugly mug looks pretty much the same.

Oh yeah, Stoll is screwing MILFs out, again. Fake Chris Kontos at The Royal Half also pointed out that you can’t spell Johnson without the “S.”

Jack in happier times.
Photo by Michael Zampelli of

My Fro-love has finally picked up the slack. I think. After Deano threatened to ship him to Edmonton. Since Dean Lombardi kind of looks like my uncle, I can say with false confidence that Deano knows a guy who knows a guy who can straighten out any conflicts. Just sayin’.

Randy Jones is out? Shit. Can’t spell Jones with the “S,” either.

I’m going to refrain from making predictions about any other players. After the Calgary game tonight they have eight days off. No doubt the majority of them will stay in Canada, and feast upon Timbits and poutine. While a few Americans fly back to the States, and… do they celebrate Christmas in where ever the hell Ivanans is from?

Small children are traditional Latvian Christmas dish.
Photo from this guy.

Wayne Simmonds is out with a torn meniscus. Some would argue, me included, that Simmonds brings a lot of heart to the team. I think six-weeks without Simmonds will make anyone skeptical of why we’re so crazy about him finally understand. I had the same surgery about ten years ago, and it’s not a huge threat to his health. I think it took me less than four-weeks to get off the crutches. The threat to the Kings, however, is grim.

Even without Simmonds and Smyth these guys have managed to claw their way up to the top of the Western Conference. Seriously. Look:

On a side note, I've been a regular at the Tuesday night chats [because I have no life and nothing to do at work, usually] at Barry Melrose Rocks. If you haven't checked out their site, you should. If I get ambitious I'll probably start writing bad fan fiction about Drew Doughty using Matt Greene's dog to pick up college sluts girls at Sharkeez.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

In case you had any doubt...

LA Kings fans can get pretty loud. I would say crazy, but chanting "You suck!" at the 27 Avalanche fans who showed up isn't really all that interesting. In spite of the free drinks I found that I did not need to be drunk for this game. The MGM Grand Arena isn't all that grand so I guess the free drinks kept me from noticing that my ass hurt.

That "special surprise" at 1:14 tried to start a fight with me in the food court. Which was pretty hilarious. I'm guessing the combined weight of those two is 160 lbs. A nice gentleman behind me in line remarked about how they needed to eat, and then talked to me about offsides and cherry picking in the NHL. He was a Vegas resident from the Midwest who did not know that Las Vegas has their own ECHL team. The Wranglers who play at The Orleans, off the strip. A very nice hotel. I have no idea with whom The Vegas Wranglers are affiliated, but their mascot looks like he was made of spare parts from the mascot box:

It was a magical night of free liquor, people wandering around in Kings jerseys and t-shirts, and more free booze.

List of random opinions and shit I made up for Frozen Fury XII:
  • Ivanans was not on the ice. Most likely because he is busy staging a coup on Latvia.
  • Wayne Simmonds is still a generic white player in NHL2K10. They can't go to the extra effort of putting a tint on the skin to make a generic black player?
  • Colorado fans are sick bastards who want players exposed to pathogens (See Wayne Simmonds beating the hell out of some Avs player).
  • Kyle Quincey did not look happy to be in an Avalanche uniform. Is Denver like Pittsburgh when it comes to women? I still love you anyways, Quincey.
  • Bailey made his preseason return. He was recently at some LA mascot thing I saw on TV. All the others were pretty tame compared to Bailey, who was going apeshit. We love you, Bailey.
  • Poker tournaments are boring if you aren't one of the players. Unless you're the kind of person who gets excited by famous people. Eh. Maybe I've been in LA too long for that.
  • Clubs in Vegas are much worse than those in LA. There are even more drunk, dirty people looking to get laid. I had to scrub myself when I got back to my hotel room alone.
  • Ellen Page does not look like she belongs in roller derby. She would have to gain about 30 lbs. of muscle, and even then I think the LA Derby Dolls could mop the floor with her.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Back in LA, just in time

...what day is it? It's still Monday for another half hour. Oh right, and I haven't written on this thing in a month. The Swarles has been sick as a dog. Luckily for me I was not sick in time for the games on Tuesday and Saturday.

Some thoughts from Saturday:
-Kyle Calder as a Duck is hilarious. I guess he didn't have to move far to continue to waste space.
-Stupid Sexy Jonathan Bernier is really fighting for a spot in the big kids' club.
-I am never sitting in a certain area of a certain section again. The price was good because the STH around us couldn't shut up and watch the game!
-I witnessed the most intellectual fight the NHL has ever seen. George Parros v. Kevin Westgarth. Were they arguing over whose IQ is higher or string theory? ...or Kevin was hungry and he saw some fresh duck.
-I looked Brayden Schenn in the eyes, and my underwear melted. Luckily I was wearing black shoes. What is the black market value for Schenn babies in Canada?
-Ryan Smyth's mullet is a majestic thing of beauty. It almost rivals Jim Fox as the cure for cancer.

Frozen Fury is this Saturday! Vegas, baby, Vegas!

I'm off to study Russian so I can recite Andrei Voznesensky to my sweet, sweet Fro-love in his native tongue. Not really. Two alphabets is enough for me.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Obligatory Jeremy Roenick Post

Top 10 pop culture moments in JR's career
Roenick's time in L.A. brought out the vaudevillian in him, as he entertained the crowd during a preseason game with this dazzling display of dance. Seriously, we hadn't seen disco moves like this since that bar scene in "Airplane!"
See Ya Later Roenick
When he arrived in Los Angeles, we only got more of the same. He complained that his lack of productivity was because of a skate problem and he showed up out of shape. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he said that his horrible play was his payback for the lockout. You’d think that he was done, but he wasn’t—he just took the Kings money and ran.
Matthew Barry has no love for JR
Then he blamed his skates. He continuously fell down like a weeble and would blame his blades, or the cut in the blade, or the equipment manager who didn't know how to sharpen his skates.
There you go. This Kings fan wants my money back that I spent on games during Roenick's stint in Los Angeles. Lucky for you, JR, it's not much since your season with the Kings was during my senior year of college. Having eight classes in one semester distracted me from your complete suckage... most of the time.

Apparently our dear Jeremy also has a porn actor look alike and likes to crash weddings and steal things. I don't really believe JR has really been stealing things from weddings, but it is funny to think about.

It takes a special man to be disliked more than Sean Avery. For the record, I'd rather read Avery's blog. I'll bet he knows what shoes are going to be in for fall.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

7 Shot Screamers

This is what happens when one listens to music that is not only unpopular, but from the wrong coast. Well, no, the 7 Shot Screamers are from St. Louis which is kind of the Midwest and kind of the South depending on who you ask.

Monday, July 20, 2009

No news is bad news

During a rare trip on which the moribund Kings won four in a row, the Times ran game stories on pages 4, 5 and 10, none of them longer than 400 words. All were generic dispatches from The Associated Press.

“If we’re gone for an extended trip, we fall off the map,” said Mike Altieri, the Kings’ vice president of broadcasting and communications. “Our team is gone for 14 days sometimes. That’s a significant time to not be in what is the primary voice in the local marketplace.

...the rest on Sports Business Journal.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

One of these things just doesn't belong

Ten bucks says one of the interns in LA did the copy. I was looking for the segment Avery did on Cribs, but there were no complete videos to be found. I did find one, that I guess was cut, about Seany boy being a clean freak.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Goodbye: Kyle Quincey

Kyle Quincey, as we like to remember him. Even though that's Detroit's Cup.

Well Kyle, to be honest, I am pretty sad that this day had to come. Most of us in LA were pretty fond of you, I think. The fact that you look kind of like Ed Norton will help you fit in anywhere. Just stop frosting your hair or whatever the hell it is you're doing to it, please. You will get even more chicks if you don't look like a late '90s senior yearbook photo.

In my head, the one where Luc is a giant Keebler elf, you and Wayne Simmonds liked to dress up Oscar Moller. At least, that's the only explanation for those weird photos where Oscar is wearing what white 50 year-old CEOs would call "urban" makes sense. In my head. What's with white people and bad sweater parties? I also think you and Simmonds took Oscar to a Western wear shop and dressed him up like a cowboy.

...and Tom Preissing, who was also traded, what the hell did you do again? All can think of is your bad contract. I've already forgotten what you look like and whether or not you're Canadian. In any case, I hope for your sake you suck less in Colorado. Maybe you should let Kyle beat you up some, to toughen you up, or just make women feel sorry for you can get some strange. Edit: I've been told that Tom Pressing is married. My best to Mrs. Preissing. (nervous laughter)

You can now look forward to bad Photoshops of Ryan Smyth and his mullet of doom.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Long weekend

I have landed in North Carolina. Maybe I will see Patrick O'Sullivan's mom, but will probably be too drunk to notice. Love, peace, and PBR, my fellow Americans!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Happy Canada Day!

It's also free agency day. It's quiet. Almost too quiet. I hope Deano is working hard.

There was a nice, classy speech about Luc before the selection of Schenn.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

It's over!

I haven't bothered to look at the LA Times to see what kind of massive fail they came up with today. I'm avoiding message boards, too. The Times do hate all our home teams for some odd reason, Kings, Dodgers, and Lakers. Even I can't resist making a joke about how The Clippers don't matter, and I don't like basketball. Anaheim does not, and never has counted as Los Angeles. They're not even in the right county.

The columnist who writes about the Kings has written two letters to Uncle Phil about how he should take a personal interest in the future of the Kings. A guy who knows how to make money in real estate, petroleum, and rail really has to do nothing more than watch. He didn't make his money in sports so he hired people who know what they're doing.

Maybe I just picture Helen Elliot (I remember the name of the Times columnist now) making Uncle Phil into a crazy stage mom of 20 grown men. There is no maybe. I can see him stomping around outside the locker room yelling about how he bought them a nice venue and new jock straps.

The big news of last night is Brayden Schenn, who did not go to Toronto to play with his brother. The Staals function just fine on separate teams. Having twins is fucking cheating. Everyone knows twins have telepathy! After Schenn was picked TSN cut to a shot of Brian Burke looking indignant, and the entire ESPN Zone in Downtown LA started laughing. For a bunch of masochists we... something something.

I wish Fake Brian Burke were still around. He would have something great and bitter to say.

Oh, and Pronger has gone to to the Eastern Conference! Buh-bye, fucker! ...and Holy overpayment, Batman!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dear lord, make it stop!


Luckily, I will not be in my apartment tomorrow during the beginning of the draft.

So far we have:
  1. Heatley for Brown, #5, Tom Preissing, and a chalupa.
  2. Kaberle for Frolov and Michael Jackson's rights to most of The Beatles songs.
  3. Clowe for #5 and a bag of skittles.
  4. Ohlund for Tom Preissing's old house, Rachel Hunter, and a Del Taco franchise. (UFA)
  5. Lecavalier for JMFJ, #5, and Rachel Hunter.
OK. I have to be serious and ask why the hell people keep coming up with scenarios that involve trading Frolov? Why trade the only scoring left wing in the franchise for another center or defenseman? I can live with Jack Johnson being traded away.

The answer:

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Inspired by my car radio...

I have to wonder if the sister stations in places like Vegas also play "I Love LA" as much as we do here.

Something you may not know about the Swarles is I am actually from a neighboring county, not Los Angeles itself. I have been living in LA for the past six years, and I love it.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Swarles' list of things to do during the off season

You can see the play forming in his head.

  • Play armchair GM on message boards
  • Discuss how long it will take the Dallas Stars to implode
  • Try to find the world's weirdest Wikipedia entry
  • Find yet another social networking site to join
  • Get bored with another social networking site
  • Sign up for dental insurance
  • Browse eBay for licensed merchandise
  • Draft a farewell letter to Alex Frolov/Jack Johnson/John Zeiler — please, please be Zeiler
  • Watch "classic" games on Fox Sports Prime Ticket on Tuesday nights
  • Go to a Twitter party — what is the world coming to?
  • Catch up on episodes of Law & Order
  • Is it Christmas?
  • How about the weather?
  • Learn how to open a coconut
  • Browse hockey-related movies on Netflix
  • Eat your own weight in tacos and sleep until September 26th
  • Research moving to Canada
  • Realise moving to Canada is a lot easier said than done
  • Pretend to care about baseball or one of those other sports
  • Steal all the Lakers flags you can and sew them into blankets to give to the homeless (McSwarley cares)
  • Do one of those tourist things like see a live taping
  • Make your own gin
  • Look at pictures of stupid sexy Bernier
  • Sign a petition to get recognition for someone who actually played inside the Staples Center


The obvious hockey news for today is that Luc got the call for the Hockey Hall of Fame. As if there were any doubt. I grew up watching Luc play, and for me Luc is hockey.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Saturday, June 13, 2009

KingsCast: Toyota Sports Center

What do Los Angeles Kings fans do in the offseason when there's no LA hockey to watch? Visit the Toyota Sports Center and see what happens. The quick answer: not much.

Brought to you by the fine folks at KingsCast.

When you're unemployed, hanging around the TSC doesn't sound so bad... at first. I also haven't been since the last practice, where quite a few fans and I waited at least an hour to see something. I give bonus points to Derek Armstrong for supplying a mother with pucks for her hockey hungry children.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Official Game 7 Post

Well, some of the Wings fans are certainly sore losers. Take a page from us Kings fans. Drink more. Drink enough and you forget everything after the first period. Fluery speaking an Earth language?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Game Six

NBC actually showed a hockey game on a week day. Surely this is a sign the coming apocalypse*. After, 12:34:56 7/8/09 is not happening just once, but twice this year!

Conquest - White Horse - Bettman. Who else? Though I should add that he is failing horribly.
War - Red Horse - George Parros. Parros creeps me out with that porn 'stache of his. And Zach Stortini is just too obvious. Honorable mention to Sean Avery for starting a shit storm over something really, really stupid.
Famine - Black Horse - Marty Brodeur. He ate all my pie, man! I live in a city that has a House of Pies!
Death - Pale Horse - Just about anyone in the NHL could kill me. Except maybe Mike Cammelleri or Oscar Moller. Oscar is just too adorable.

*Actually I'm not into the whole Jesus thing. This is a literary exercise. By some one who did not go to school for the liberal arts... and used to write ad copy for a living.

At this point I really don't care who wins. I just want to see them beat the crap out of each other. I guess Hossa getting his cup would be a good thing, so us here in LA can keep dreaming that he'll sign here.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


I'm told that the fella in the photo is Kelvim Escobar. I know next to nothing about baseball, especially the [not even in the county of] Los Angeles Angels.

In the interest of making Mr. Escobar a little bit more convincing as a hockey player, I took 30 seconds out of my day to draw on him (you'll have to click on it):

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Post One: Creepy Crosby

Photoshop + Creepy Playoff Beard + Megan's Law Website=

I forgot how creepy it is to look at the Megan's Law Website. Sidney went from "Is that mold on his face?" to "Stay away from my kids!" in one season. Congratulations, Sid. I'm going to drink now so I can cheer for the Wings without feeling completely dirty.