Monday, September 20, 2010

Two things

First, join the Brian Willsie Invitational Classic here.

Second, I hate Blogger. I already have a Dreamhost account, so what's the big deal in paying another $10 a year to own

That's right, I finally moved here.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Filler Friday: Search Terms

Search terms are those nifty words people type into search engines (yes, I remember a day when Google didn't exist). My trackers collect these things for me like tiny trained monkeys. These are only some of them…

alexander frolov and stds mention STDs once and it all goes to hell.
jason allison ex-wife name: Jason Allison was married?
Drew Doughty STD: See above.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me… wait, what?

curling pants ...are amazing?
wanted dead or alive word templates: Nope. Nothing that useful here.
creepy sidney crosby: Yeah... he kinda is when he tries to grow facial hair.
is brad richardson missing teeth? Why are people always asking me these things?
when you hate both teams: and watch anyways, because, well, it's hockey, and it's on TV.
what is matt greene wearting(sic)? Awesome incarnate.
murray parros: I don't know which is better: Grey-haired George Parros coaching or Terry Murray with that porn 'stache?
jarret stoll sharkeez: I'm pretty sure I started this trend. I have never seen Jarret Stoll in Sharkeez because that would require setting foot in a Sharkeez.
non sensical explanation: My specialty.
los angeles kings resign frolove (sic): No. No they did not.
shit hawks swooping line: The wisdom of Mr. Leahy.
teddy purcell drunk: I actually do have photos of this.
gema estevez zeiler: I have no idea.

Disclaimer: Besides a couple of poor bastards I went to college with, I have no idea who has herpes or HPV.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Goodbye: Alexander Frolov

I was waiting until Fro-love actually signed with another team to write this. That's how much I was hoping it wasn't going to happen. It's the Rangers and not the Ducks or Wings, right? That's kind of OK. It could be Edmonton. Who am I kidding? This blows.

Frolov was one of the last guys left from the team that was in place when I moved to LA. Now there's only Dustin Brown… and his big fat baby head that makes him look like human incarnation of one my old professor's paintings. To be fair, that team really sucked and did not make the playoffs… for the next seven years. Somehow I still convinced about 14 classmates to play broomball in the halls of our apartment complex… and got our school banned from said building.

No more big goofy wall-eyed Russian who kind of sounds like Balki (though fake Chris Kontos says he's Latke from Taxi) and his stupid, timid, adorable smile.

Now there's some Ukranian dude named Ponikpovichinsky or something. Some people confuse that with Russian, but you can't fool me!

Fun fact:, the name of Rich Hammond's old blog, sent me to a site about teacup poodles. I can't make this shit up.

When Luc retired I realised I was an adult even though I had already legally been an adult for a while.

I will probably end up getting drunk and sleeping in my car in San Jose Inglechester La Verne Hermosa Beach like I did when Luc retired. This is legal as long as you don't sleep in the drivers seat. Unlike when Luc retired I'm not crying like a baby, and probably won't cry when I watch videos on YouTube (this is helpful when you need to get out of work so some relative whose already dead conveniently dies again).

Alex Frolov is a remnant of my young adulthood. He probably looked something this around the first time… er, uh, nevermind. Look at how skinny he was!

The one of the league's least ugly Russians is leaving LA. Who is his competition anyways? Evgeni Malkin? He looks like he has down syndrome or some other kind of chromosomal disorder. This makes for one less person around here I can actually look in the face. I kind of have a thing where I really can't make eye contact with some one who has had obvious plastic surgery. I've been looking at a lot of foreheads for the past few years.

Take good care him, Hank, Avery, That Other Staal Brother, and uh, they still have Brian Boyle?

Who will be the pretty ho now?!

Friday, July 23, 2010

That other Russian guy that isn't Frolov goes to Disneyland

[PREFACE: I wrote most of this, except for the very end, before Kovalchuk's decision to sign with the Devils earlier this week. I was waiting for a decision so I could write the ending. Well, it's kind of an ending for now?]

(SCENE: JARRET STOLL driving STOLL'S Benz/BMW/Lexus/Whatever with JUSTIN WILLIAMS in the backseat and ILYA KOVALCHUK riding in the front passenger seat)
ILYA KOVALCHUK: No really, where you taking me?
JARRET STOLL: Lombardi wanted us to show you a good time in the city.
KOVALCHUK: Why he doing here? (gestures towards Justin Williams)
STOLL: (Sighs) To make sure I don't piss off your wife.
KOVALCHUK: I uh… I do not understand.
JUSTIN WILLIAMS: Stoll-Mole is trying to say we don't want Mrs. Kovalchuk killing the whole LA thing for you.
STOLL: By that he means no fun. Pffffft.
KOVALCHUK: Oh good. Where are are we going then now?
WILLIAMS: You, uh… what about… well, what do you want to see?
KOVALCHUK: Mickey Mouse. I want to see Mickey Mouse.
STOLL: You're kidding.
KOVALCHUK: Oh no. We do not have Land of Disney in Mother Russia. Wife never let me go to Land of Disney in Florida because they do not like Donald Duck in Lithuania because he does not wear pants.
WILLIAMS: (blink, blink) Ohhhkay. I don't think a trip to Disneyland can possibly go wrong. Right, Stolly? (punches Stoll's shoulder)
STOLL: (deadpan) Oh stop, Willy, you're hurting me.
WILLIAMS: That hurt my hand. I think I heard a crunching sound.
KOVALCHUK: So we see Mickey Mouse?
STOLL: (unenthusiatic) Yes. We'll go to see Mickey Mouse.
WILLIAMS: And that sinful pantless Donald Duck. Ah! Ah!?
STOLL: You're supposed to make things not worse.

(CUT TO: Giant Disneyland parking garage)

WILLIAMS: Remember everyone, we're in the Itchy lot.
KOVALCHUK: Itchy? That is Goofy. Goofen fore!
STOLL: Don't worry about Willy. He just watches too much TV in the hospital. We're in Goofy four, Willy.

(CUT TO: Disneyland tram queue)

KOVALCHUK: Oh trains! In Mother Russia trains are not happy thing. What is name of the train ride?
STOLL: Relax. The tram is just going to take us to Disneyland.
WILLIAMS: This is gonna be fun! I never get to go to Disneyland without my kid and he never wants to go on Splash Mountain!
STOLL: This is among many reasons I don't have kids.
KOVALCHUK: You really like Splash Mountain.
STOLL: Sure... We'll call it Splash Mountain.

(CUT TO: Line for Splash Mountain)

STOLL: Willy! Go get a wheelchair so Kovy here doesn't have to wait in line.
WILLIAMS: Why do I always have to get a wheelchair?
STOLL: Because you know how to operate one.
WILLIAMS: It's really not that hard. You just—
STOLL: —Make with the handicap while I try to explain these vaguely racist animals.
STOLL: …and that's how I got three rabies shots in one year.
KOVALCHUK: (inching away from Stoll) Justin Williams! You are back! In wheeled chair!
WILLIAMS: Yeah yeah. Let's not keep Mr. Ilya waiting in line with the creepy robotic animals any longer.
KOVALCHUK: In Mother Russia we cannot make animals into robots. The delicious meat too precious.
WILLIAMS: These aren't real animals. They're just robots. They just put fake animal stuff on robot parts and—
STOLL: —I've already tried. Just let him think they're zombies or whatever.
WILLIAMS: That's horrifying.
KOVALCHUK: Like Rasputin! (huge smile)
STOLL: OK, we have to lift Willy out of the chair and into the log. Willy, pretend your legs don't work.
WILLIAMS: Yeah yeah. Very funny. (crosses arms)

(ENTER: McSwarley being lazing and not wanting to describe Splash Mountain to you)

(Walking away from Splash Mountain)
KOVALCHUK: I still do not understand. About what were animals singing?
WILLIAMS: That it's a good day?
STOLL: Did you like the big drop at the end?
KOVALCHUK: Oh yes. Very much. Donald Duck can't be that bad if he has all these happy robot animals.

(ENTER: TAYLOR HALL taking photos with Mickey Mouse)

KOVALCHUK: Oooh! Mickey Mouse! (runs toward Mickey Mouse)
TAYLOR HALL: You! Your free agency stunt ruined my draft party! This is supposed to be my time!
KOVALCHUK: I do not understand you, Boy Donkey. Why are you so angry?
HALL: Me! All those pun headlines were supposed to be about me! (lunges at Kovalchuk)
KOVALCHUK: I do not want to punch you, Boy Donkey. This is supposed to be happy place not place for fighting.
STOLL: C'mere kid.
HALL: I don't wanna!
STOLL: Just come here, kid, and talk to me and Willy for a minute.
(Stoll puts Hall in a headlock and punches him)
STOLL: Don't... Ruin... This... For... Me!
KOVALCHUK: Let me help! You cannot ruin happy place for Jarret Stoll and Justin Williams.
WILLIAMS: You… you don't fight. Apparently, he does… kinda? (points at Kovalchuk pulling Hall's shirt over his head)
STOLL: It's called suspension of disbelief. You're just here a comedic device. You normally spend the summer in New Jersey for some fucking reason.
WILLAIMS: Right-o.

(CUT TO: Disney security escorting Stoll, Williams and Kovalchuk to Stoll's BMW/Benz/Lexus/Whatever)

WILLIAMS: Dean is going to send me to Edmonton for this. Then I'm gonna have to see that kid every day!
STOLL: Stay with us and you'll get four tries a year to get that kid.
KOVALCHUK: I do not know if I like that. He seem he really want to hurt me.
STOLL: Do you really want to leave Willy to fend for himself whenever my junk goes out of whack? After all he's done for you with the wheelchair and all...
WILLIAMS: (Looks helplessly at Kovalchuk)

(SCENE: DEAN LOMBARDI's office at the Toyota Sports Center)
DEAN LOMBARDI: You told him what?!
WILLIAMS: The Hall kid was going to be in Edmonton?
LOMBARDI: Now, why did you do that?
STOLL: It seemed topical?
LOMBARDI: Topical? The guy can barely speak English. You could have told him the Hall kid was part donkey, and he would have believed you.
WILLIAMS: (mumbling) ...I thought he was part donkey.
LOMBARDI: OK, you have a point there, that kid isn't human… but, this Russkie jerkoff cost me seventeen days of my life! One of you… I have to make an example of one of you.
WILLIAMS: My knees can't take much more.
LOMBARDI: Stoll, I'm going to let you pick which knee you like more.
WILLIAMS: (reading off of cell phone) The league rejected that seventeen-year contract.
LOMBARDI: Give me my life back!

[ I was hoping to write a much happier ending. One that didn't involve busting kneecaps. Quisp has a better grasp on all this CBA mess. It sure will make for some good lolcats.]

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Goodbye: Those Other Guys

Fredrik Modin: "Modin doesn't watch the replays. Modin knows he scored." I don't really remember ever listening to you talk. You scored goals in the playoffs, so that's really going to suck expecting these other guys to be able to score on the 5-on-5 in the playoffs next year. So I hope they watched carefully.

If you had stayed around longer I would have written to be something like The Most Interesting Man in the World. I don't even know why. You look more like Drunk Hulk.

Jeff Halpern: I decided I want to you stay. Only so I can post this picture every week.

At first you confused us. Another guy from Philly? Then you excited us. You scored some goals when the team was down a few guys (Ryan Smyth and Rob Scuderi). Then, you forgot that stuff. Then you forgot the defense part of your job. Then you got whiplash. Then, well, more of that stuff I mentioned before.

You restored my confidence in Peter Harrold. Thank you.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Goodbye: Raitis Ivanans

Some people might be saying "Good riddance" to Raitis Ivanans, but I'm not one of those people. Much like the food chain, hockey needs it's big scary things that keep the smaller ones in line. You, Raitis, are one of those big scary things, what with your biceps being bigger than your head and all.

Some of us make coffee, some sell drugs, others deal with idiots all day. You fight. You also spit and swear, and anyone who gets paid to fight and swear while wearing ice skates is OK in my book. I'm not so big on the spitting, but it is a necessary evil.

So now I'm left wondering what big scary dude will be stepping in the enforcer role here in LA. Who will take the team to see Billy Elliot when they're in New York?!