- The Office
- Writing an essay on Ayn Rand to get an academic scholarship
- Chocolate pelicans, though one can apparently buy their poop now?
- Dealing with idiots
- Puppy mills
- Guns 'n Roses' fifth album
- Unemployment
- Cancer
- Mike Green
- Trying to think of ten things worse than Ilya Kovalchuk playing with your emotions
Showing posts with label douchebaggery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label douchebaggery. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
10 things that are worse than the Ilya Kovalchuk mess
Monday, July 5, 2010
Up-Chuking
Today will be day five of free agency or the Kovalchuk Sweepstakes. Dean Lombardi has yet to sign any free agents, so of course Kings fans are whining, panicking, threatening suicide and whatnot. Hey, I would like to have a Richard Rocket Trophy winner as much as any other fan out there. I also see that in the salary-cap era, bleeding the team dry to pay that one player is a really fucking dumb idea.
You know what else sucks about a $100M contract? No one wants to take that trade! If Kovy ends up on the wrong side of Matt Cooke's knee and suddenly becomes an overpaid 15-goal scorer, that really is a huge blunder. Suddenly the Justin Williams deal doesn't seem so bad since it's not a 10+year contract.
If anyone is going to get a 10 year contract out of Deano it's Drew Doughty, who has had the crown tattoo'd on his ass since the age of five.
I don't know that much about Ilya Kovalchuk. I don't know if he's really a nice guy who recycles, and adopts dogs from the shelter instead of buying them from stores who get their animals from evil, no good puppy farms. He might be the first guy you call when you're too drunk to drive yourself home and don't have the cash for a cab.
If Kovalchuk does take an offer from a team like the Islanders, Panthers, or Columbus—who all have the cap space—instead of team like the Kings it does tell me one thing: he cares a whole lot more about money than being on a playoff team.
I want a second-line centre* and a sniper for Christmas. I really do.
I'm not a Dean Lombardi cheerleader, but this is the longest the Kings have ever stuck to a plan instead of looking for the quick-fix.
You know what else? I'm not a GM. I don't expect a whole lot of other people to be capable of my job, putting up with my batshit crazy boss and clientele, and not screwing up severely to cost money I don't have.
*Jarret Stoll is third-line centre number one. You know it, I know it, and the Canadian people know it. I've given up on explaining backchecking to other Americans.
You know what else sucks about a $100M contract? No one wants to take that trade! If Kovy ends up on the wrong side of Matt Cooke's knee and suddenly becomes an overpaid 15-goal scorer, that really is a huge blunder. Suddenly the Justin Williams deal doesn't seem so bad since it's not a 10+year contract.
If anyone is going to get a 10 year contract out of Deano it's Drew Doughty, who has had the crown tattoo'd on his ass since the age of five.
I don't know that much about Ilya Kovalchuk. I don't know if he's really a nice guy who recycles, and adopts dogs from the shelter instead of buying them from stores who get their animals from evil, no good puppy farms. He might be the first guy you call when you're too drunk to drive yourself home and don't have the cash for a cab.
If Kovalchuk does take an offer from a team like the Islanders, Panthers, or Columbus—who all have the cap space—instead of team like the Kings it does tell me one thing: he cares a whole lot more about money than being on a playoff team.
I want a second-line centre* and a sniper for Christmas. I really do.
I'm not a Dean Lombardi cheerleader, but this is the longest the Kings have ever stuck to a plan instead of looking for the quick-fix.
You know what else? I'm not a GM. I don't expect a whole lot of other people to be capable of my job, putting up with my batshit crazy boss and clientele, and not screwing up severely to cost money I don't have.
*Jarret Stoll is third-line centre number one. You know it, I know it, and the Canadian people know it. I've given up on explaining backchecking to other Americans.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
McSwarley Goes Behind the Orange Curtain
It only looks like a short walk before you know Anaheim's crime-rate outside the immediate Disneyland area.
Last night I braved the Metrolink for the first time ever to go see a game at The
The ratio of Kings to Ducks fans was pretty even. Even if they aren't wearing a jersey, Ducks fans are easy to identify with their khaki pants. Usually with a polo or some other kind of buttoned shirt tucked into their pants. Every day is a safari in Orange County! The men are also more likely to dye their hair, or even that blonde tips thing that was popular so popular ten years ago (I’m looking at you, Kyle Quincey!).
I must have a certain look that the opposing teams’ fans think: “I want to argue with that person!”
- No, Sean O'Donnell was not a Duck first.
- No, Sean O'Donnell played his first NHL game with the Kings in the 90s.
- Sean O'Donnell has played more than 500 games as a King now (the exact total is 518 regular season games, and 8 post-season games). Yes, I know there are only 82 games in a season. Can you tell me how many games used to be in a regular NHL season? (the answer is 84)
Check out this outdated and therefore hilarious OD fan page! So that’s his ex-wife’s name.
This is the reason I hate Emilio Estevez (not really, but it would be a good reason).
I was the age group they were targeted towards when the Mighty Ducks movies were first released. Saw the first two for some kid's birthday. Can you imagine being the only kid who knew a damn thing about hockey when those movies were released? “Cake eater” is not a hockey term. It never has been. Thanks to the internet, I now know that is a Minnesotan colloquialism for a rich person from Edina.
The game? Well, the Kings’ winning streak had to end eventually, but of course we’re all pissed it was against the Ducks. Two more home games before the Olympic break. Two game winning streak… please?
Also, I have spooky voodoo memory powers!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Ducks: Still non-scariest team name ever.
(also to be known as McSwarley’s salute to Conan O’Brien)
Before everyone tells me that Americans like myself have fucked up priorities because I care more about Conan O'Brien and the LA Kings than foreign disasters… AmeriCares uses 99% of all money donated to them for humanitarian aid. Before you text the Red Cross* because it’s so easy, consider that fact.
Kings 4 – Ducks 0 – Wayne Simmonds 3
One goal and two fights for Wayne Simmonds in one night. Sadly, he will have to keep trying for that Gordie Howe hat trick. Actually, I’m pretty sure he got one in Edmonton last year.
Ryan Smith also managed to get another penalty while still in the penalty box. For his mullet being too awesome. Now that’s talent!
Towards the end of the game the Ducks were so frustrated we weren’t sure if there really were that many penalties happening at once, or if the screen was broken. What was really going in those penalty boxes? Besides Ryan Getzlaf reading an Elmo book…
Hiller may be wearing orange, but since the Ducks are all things wrong in the world, I can assure you he is not on Team Conan.
If you weren’t already pissed about the Bobby Ryan hit on Oscar Moller, you’re welcome. Oscar, you're a champ for standing up for yourself after a hit that very well could have broken your neck. Brownie points to Drew Doughty and Brad Richardson for standing up for their Swede.
*McSwarley encourages donating blood through the Red Cross. You never know when Justin Williams, or one of Wayne Simmonds’ victims may need it.
Before everyone tells me that Americans like myself have fucked up priorities because I care more about Conan O'Brien and the LA Kings than foreign disasters… AmeriCares uses 99% of all money donated to them for humanitarian aid. Before you text the Red Cross* because it’s so easy, consider that fact.
Kings 4 – Ducks 0 – Wayne Simmonds 3
One goal and two fights for Wayne Simmonds in one night. Sadly, he will have to keep trying for that Gordie Howe hat trick. Actually, I’m pretty sure he got one in Edmonton last year.
Ryan Smith also managed to get another penalty while still in the penalty box. For his mullet being too awesome. Now that’s talent!
Towards the end of the game the Ducks were so frustrated we weren’t sure if there really were that many penalties happening at once, or if the screen was broken. What was really going in those penalty boxes? Besides Ryan Getzlaf reading an Elmo book…
Three Kings, one burger.
Not that anyone outside of California was watching this game, but I think this may confuse people into thinking that we actually use subways here. Oh we have them, but mostly for the novelty value.
Hiller may be wearing orange, but since the Ducks are all things wrong in the world, I can assure you he is not on Team Conan.
Jonas Hiller: NHL goaltender, or ‘80s pop star?
I made this for no reason.
OK, I made it so I could post this.
If you weren’t already pissed about the Bobby Ryan hit on Oscar Moller, you’re welcome. Oscar, you're a champ for standing up for yourself after a hit that very well could have broken your neck. Brownie points to Drew Doughty and Brad Richardson for standing up for their Swede.
*McSwarley encourages donating blood through the Red Cross. You never know when Justin Williams, or one of Wayne Simmonds’ victims may need it.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Festivus Airing of Grievances
Going alphabetically from the roster on lakings.com...
Dustin Brown: We’re all waiting for you to get your groove back. Waiting and waiting…
Corey Elkins: Who are you, again? Well, you got your first goal in your second NHL game ever, let’s hope you turn out better than Teddy Purcell.
Alexander Frolov: Fro-love, I’m going to be candid with you, dear. When you suck you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re hurting me, too. Oh yeah, and your team.
Michal Handzus: Everything you touch turns to awesome. Start touching Frolov some more, but only in the nice, platonic-teammate way.
Raitis Ivanans: A lot of people get down on you for not being a very good forward, or being very good on the puck at all. I think you’re doing a great job of scaring the shit out of anyone who thinks he can level a little guy like Oscar Moller.
“…and as I reigned blows upon him…”
Photo from this guy.
Anze Kopitar: You started off so well this season. I guess not spending the summer in Slovenia eating pancakes really was what you needed all along. Having Ryan Smyth as your left arm probably helped, too. You need to learn to score goals without him, too. Remember, when you used to do that?
Andrei Loktionov: Next!
Oscar Moller: You know, Oscar, a lot of people are down on you for being so small. Just remind them that you’re taller than Michael Cammelleri, and have better stats than Teddy Purcell.
Teddy Purcell: Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. I liked you last season. I really did. I liked hearing that you were signed for another year with the club. What happened? You need to find that mojo fairy and demand back your mojo.
Brad Richardson: Up until last month I thought you were the biggest waste of space since John Zeiler. I still think you look like a douchebag.
Brandon Segal: Next!
Wayne Simmonds: The only problem I could have with you is you’re making those other guys look bad. Stop that!
Ryan Smyth: Well, Smytty, since you got your usual injury out of the way early this year can we expect you to be ready for the playoffs? The last thing we want is a Smyth-less Kopitar in the playoffs. The only 2-fer I want to see this year is from Disneyland.
Jarret Stoll: Please start stretching properly before and after games. Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to stretch before engaging in whatever activities shall remain unnamed with the sorority girls or cougars you probably pick up at Sharkeez. Also, stop giving Justin Williams hair tips.
Seriously, stop it with the fauxhawks.
Justin Williams: You’ve been hanging out with Stoll too much, minus the cougars. I hope.
Drew Doughty: Kind of hard to find a problem with Drew. Uh… make up your mind about that facial hair!
Davis Drewiske: Stop being so adorable.
Matt Greene: See Wayne Simmonds.
Peter Harrold: What are you doing here? Did you miss a turn on the way to Disneyland. Oh, you’re a hockey player?
Jack Johnson: Jack Jack Jack. You’re not a bad guy. You’re not a bad hockey player. What we need is for you to find your place on the team.
Randy Jones: …start hitting more? You know, when you get back. I don't know.
Sean O’Donnell: Having about 12 kids must be trying at times. How do you feed all them? You know what they say about growing boys.
Rob Scuderi: I like you, Rob, but stay away from my dog. You do kind of look like an escaped mental patient.
Erik Ersberg: Two out of three ain’t bad.
Jonathan Quick: Jon, I want you to succeed. We all want you to succeed, except maybe Stupid Sexy Bernier. In the next year, let’s try being consistent. It will probably only be another year before a better goaltender is brought to carry some of the weight.
Dustin Brown: We’re all waiting for you to get your groove back. Waiting and waiting…
Corey Elkins: Who are you, again? Well, you got your first goal in your second NHL game ever, let’s hope you turn out better than Teddy Purcell.
Alexander Frolov: Fro-love, I’m going to be candid with you, dear. When you suck you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re hurting me, too. Oh yeah, and your team.
Michal Handzus: Everything you touch turns to awesome. Start touching Frolov some more, but only in the nice, platonic-teammate way.
Raitis Ivanans: A lot of people get down on you for not being a very good forward, or being very good on the puck at all. I think you’re doing a great job of scaring the shit out of anyone who thinks he can level a little guy like Oscar Moller.
Photo from this guy.
Anze Kopitar: You started off so well this season. I guess not spending the summer in Slovenia eating pancakes really was what you needed all along. Having Ryan Smyth as your left arm probably helped, too. You need to learn to score goals without him, too. Remember, when you used to do that?
Andrei Loktionov: Next!
Oscar Moller: You know, Oscar, a lot of people are down on you for being so small. Just remind them that you’re taller than Michael Cammelleri, and have better stats than Teddy Purcell.
Teddy Purcell: Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. I liked you last season. I really did. I liked hearing that you were signed for another year with the club. What happened? You need to find that mojo fairy and demand back your mojo.
Brad Richardson: Up until last month I thought you were the biggest waste of space since John Zeiler. I still think you look like a douchebag.
Brandon Segal: Next!
Wayne Simmonds: The only problem I could have with you is you’re making those other guys look bad. Stop that!
Ryan Smyth: Well, Smytty, since you got your usual injury out of the way early this year can we expect you to be ready for the playoffs? The last thing we want is a Smyth-less Kopitar in the playoffs. The only 2-fer I want to see this year is from Disneyland.
Jarret Stoll: Please start stretching properly before and after games. Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to stretch before engaging in whatever activities shall remain unnamed with the sorority girls or cougars you probably pick up at Sharkeez. Also, stop giving Justin Williams hair tips.
Justin Williams: You’ve been hanging out with Stoll too much, minus the cougars. I hope.
Drew Doughty: Kind of hard to find a problem with Drew. Uh… make up your mind about that facial hair!
Davis Drewiske: Stop being so adorable.
Matt Greene: See Wayne Simmonds.
Peter Harrold: What are you doing here? Did you miss a turn on the way to Disneyland. Oh, you’re a hockey player?
Jack Johnson: Jack Jack Jack. You’re not a bad guy. You’re not a bad hockey player. What we need is for you to find your place on the team.
Randy Jones: …start hitting more? You know, when you get back. I don't know.
Sean O’Donnell: Having about 12 kids must be trying at times. How do you feed all them? You know what they say about growing boys.
Rob Scuderi: I like you, Rob, but stay away from my dog. You do kind of look like an escaped mental patient.
Erik Ersberg: Two out of three ain’t bad.
Jonathan Quick: Jon, I want you to succeed. We all want you to succeed, except maybe Stupid Sexy Bernier. In the next year, let’s try being consistent. It will probably only be another year before a better goaltender is brought to carry some of the weight.
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