Game 3 in Review

I was fortunate to score tickets to game 3 last night. Score them for face value, in fact. Resale tickets for a Kings playoff game in Los Angeles are now going for nearly double of the original face value.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Wait, who let these guys in?

We kept the Okies and Arkies out during the dustbowl, but we just can't keep out the Canadians.

One of the great things about LA is that it is made of people from everywhere else. I know very few people whose parents were also raised in Los Angeles. I've adopted LA as my home. In spite of having lived in other states and countries, I always come back here. Hockey Buddy and I sat next to some very nice older Canadian gentlemen who are also Kings fans.

The Staples Center is usually full of some very nice people, except when it comes to Ducks fans. We hate those fuckers. For the playoffs, less is held back (I haven't heard about any fights yet). The few Canucks fans who showed up experienced something similar to the walk of shame for the three Avs fans who show up to Frozen Fury.

It was loud. It was packed. It was sweaty. It was everything I'd been eight long years for.

I was afraid of my camera flying out of my hands, and with good reason. So I'll let Youtube tell you the story...

A nice guy named Tom posted the following two videos. Thanks, Tom, where ever you are.


There were no green men, and we didn't see Westside Rental Man, even though they did play his jam. Last night instead marked the return of cult icon Matthew "Dancing Boy" Barry:



Hockey, live music, a cult icon... is there anything last night didn't have?



This is LA! Of course we've got dead hookers!

My voice is hoarse, my towel arm is tired, and my hands are bruised. I can't wait to do it again.

For a better recap check out The Royal Half.

Someone stole Jon Quick's mojo

“This is my stick. There are many like it, but this one is mine.”

Question: Where did Jonathan Quick's mojo go?
a. It's buried in Patrick O'Neal's backyard.
b. That guy from Willow stole it.
c. It's making a cameo on Glee.

I really don't believe that his kid ate it.



Less this.


More this.

Stay tuned for: How Justin Williams Got His Groove back.


images yoinked from Life and Zimbio

Filler Friday... Celebrities?

I wept a little inside.*



One of the first Google results for "celebrities and hockey" turns up this story about Bollywood. After a vigorous YouTube search I have determined that they were probably referring to that grass hockey that little girls in English prep schools play.

Nothing more annoying than a foreign person who says "ice hockey" instead of just hockey.



Sure, random-celebrity I never heard of until people started saying you were banging Doughnuts, sure you love hockey for the fights.


"I don't know what you're talking about."

If you were in it for the fights, you'd show this guy some love...

No really, where are all the Simmonds fan girls?

*Mostly because my dad is a Blues fan. He's from St Louis.

McSwarley Goes Behind the Orange Curtain

It only looks like a short walk before you know Anaheim's crime-rate outside the immediate Disneyland area.

Last night I braved the Metrolink for the first time ever to go see a game at The Pond Puddle Ponda Honda Center. Now, I’ve been to The Ponda to see the Kings play the Ducks before, but that was more than ten years ago. I always felt like the place was sterile compared to the stinky, smelly magic that was The Great Western Forum. Now, as an adult, I’m pissed I didn’t have anywhere to put my liquor! Perhaps this is why people always seemed drunker at the Ponda.

The ratio of Kings to Ducks fans was pretty even. Even if they aren't wearing a jersey, Ducks fans are easy to identify with their khaki pants. Usually with a polo or some other kind of buttoned shirt tucked into their pants. Every day is a safari in Orange County! The men are also more likely to dye their hair, or even that blonde tips thing that was popular so popular ten years ago (I’m looking at you, Kyle Quincey!).

I must have a certain look that the opposing teams’ fans think: “I want to argue with that person!”

• No, Sean O'Donnell was not a Duck first.
• No, Sean O'Donnell played his first NHL game with the Kings in the 90s.
• Sean O'Donnell has played more than 500 games as a King now (the exact total is 518 regular season games, and 8 post-season games). Yes, I know there are only 82 games in a season. Can you tell me how many games used to be in a regular NHL season? (the answer is 84)

Check out this outdated and therefore hilarious OD fan page! So that’s his ex-wife’s name.

This is the reason I hate Emilio Estevez (not really, but it would be a good reason).

I was the age group they were targeted towards when the Mighty Ducks movies were first released. Saw the first two for some kid's birthday. Can you imagine being the only kid who knew a damn thing about hockey when those movies were released? “Cake eater” is not a hockey term. It never has been. Thanks to the internet, I now know that is a Minnesotan colloquialism for a rich person from Edina.

The game? Well, the Kings’ winning streak had to end eventually, but of course we’re all pissed it was against the Ducks. Two more home games before the Olympic break. Two game winning streak… please?

Also, I have spooky voodoo memory powers!

LOLKings prozac

(Warning: Increased thoughts of suicide is one of the many side-effects of Prozac)

Ducks: Still non-scariest team name ever.

(also to be known as McSwarley’s salute to Conan O’Brien)

Before everyone tells me that Americans like myself have fucked up priorities because I care more about Conan O'Brien and the LA Kings than foreign disasters… AmeriCares uses 99% of all money donated to them for humanitarian aid. Before you text the Red Cross* because it’s so easy, consider that fact.

Kings 4 – Ducks 0 – Wayne Simmonds 3

One goal and two fights for Wayne Simmonds in one night. Sadly, he will have to keep trying for that Gordie Howe hat trick. Actually, I’m pretty sure he got one in Edmonton last year.

Ryan Smith also managed to get another penalty while still in the penalty box. For his mullet being too awesome. Now that’s talent!

Towards the end of the game the Ducks were so frustrated we weren’t sure if there really were that many penalties happening at once, or if the screen was broken. What was really going in those penalty boxes? Besides Ryan Getzlaf reading an Elmo book…

Three Kings, one burger.

Not that anyone outside of California was watching this game, but I think this may confuse people into thinking that we actually use subways here. Oh we have them, but mostly for the novelty value.

Hiller may be wearing orange, but since the Ducks are all things wrong in the world, I can assure you he is not on Team Conan.

Jonas Hiller: NHL goaltender, or ‘80s pop star?

I made this for no reason.

OK, I made it so I could post this.

If you weren’t already pissed about the Bobby Ryan hit on Oscar Moller, you’re welcome. Oscar, you're a champ for standing up for yourself after a hit that very well could have broken your neck. Brownie points to Drew Doughty and Brad Richardson for standing up for their Swede.

*McSwarley encourages donating blood through the Red Cross. You never know when Justin Williams, or one of Wayne Simmonds’ victims may need it.

In case you had any doubt...

LA Kings fans can get pretty loud. I would say crazy, but chanting "You suck!" at the 27 Avalanche fans who showed up isn't really all that interesting. In spite of the free drinks I found that I did not need to be drunk for this game. The MGM Grand Arena isn't all that grand so I guess the free drinks kept me from noticing that my ass hurt.



That "special surprise" at 1:14 tried to start a fight with me in the food court. Which was pretty hilarious. I'm guessing the combined weight of those two is 160 lbs. A nice gentleman behind me in line remarked about how they needed to eat, and then talked to me about offsides and cherry picking in the NHL. He was a Vegas resident from the Midwest who did not know that Las Vegas has their own ECHL team. The Wranglers who play at The Orleans, off the strip. A very nice hotel. I have no idea with whom The Vegas Wranglers are affiliated, but their mascot looks like he was made of spare parts from the mascot box:

It was a magical night of free liquor, people wandering around in Kings jerseys and t-shirts, and more free booze.

List of random opinions and shit I made up for Frozen Fury XII:

• Ivanans was not on the ice. Most likely because he is busy staging a coup on Latvia.
• Wayne Simmonds is still a generic white player in NHL2K10. They can't go to the extra effort of putting a tint on the skin to make a generic black player?
• Colorado fans are sick bastards who want players exposed to pathogens (See Wayne Simmonds beating the hell out of some Avs player).
• Kyle Quincey did not look happy to be in an Avalanche uniform. Is Denver like Pittsburgh when it comes to women? I still love you anyways, Quincey.
• Bailey made his preseason return. He was recently at some LA mascot thing I saw on TV. All the others were pretty tame compared to Bailey, who was going apeshit. We love you, Bailey.
• Poker tournaments are boring if you aren't one of the players. Unless you're the kind of person who gets excited by famous people. Eh. Maybe I've been in LA too long for that.
• Clubs in Vegas are much worse than those in LA. There are even more drunk, dirty people looking to get laid. I had to scrub myself when I got back to my hotel room alone.
• Ellen Page does not look like she belongs in roller derby. She would have to gain about 30 lbs. of muscle, and even then I think the LA Derby Dolls could mop the floor with her.

Back in LA, just in time

...what day is it? It's still Monday for another half hour. Oh right, and I haven't written on this thing in a month. The Swarles has been sick as a dog. Luckily for me I was not sick in time for the games on Tuesday and Saturday.

Some thoughts from Saturday:
-Kyle Calder as a Duck is hilarious. I guess he didn't have to move far to continue to waste space.
-Stupid Sexy Jonathan Bernier is really fighting for a spot in the big kids' club.
-I. WANT. FRO. LOV.
-I am never sitting in a certain area of a certain section again. The price was good because the STH around us couldn't shut up and watch the game!
-I witnessed the most intellectual fight the NHL has ever seen. George Parros v. Kevin Westgarth. Were they arguing over whose IQ is higher or string theory? ...or Kevin was hungry and he saw some fresh duck.
-I looked Brayden Schenn in the eyes, and my underwear melted. Luckily I was wearing black shoes. What is the black market value for Schenn babies in Canada?
-Ryan Smyth's mullet is a majestic thing of beauty. It almost rivals Jim Fox as the cure for cancer.



Frozen Fury is this Saturday! Vegas, baby, Vegas!

I'm off to study Russian so I can recite Andrei Voznesensky to my sweet, sweet Fro-love in his native tongue. Not really. Two alphabets is enough for me.

Obligatory Jeremy Roenick Post

Top 10 pop culture moments in JR's career

Roenick's time in L.A. brought out the vaudevillian in him, as he entertained the crowd during a preseason game with this dazzling display of dance. Seriously, we hadn't seen disco moves like this since that bar scene in "Airplane!"

See Ya Later Roenick

When he arrived in Los Angeles, we only got more of the same. He complained that his lack of productivity was because of a skate problem and he showed up out of shape. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he said that his horrible play was his payback for the lockout. You’d think that he was done, but he wasn’t—he just took the Kings money and ran.

Matthew Barry has no love for JR

Then he blamed his skates. He continuously fell down like a weeble and would blame his blades, or the cut in the blade, or the equipment manager who didn't know how to sharpen his skates.

There you go. This Kings fan wants my money back that I spent on games during Roenick's stint in Los Angeles. Lucky for you, JR, it's not much since your season with the Kings was during my senior year of college. Having eight classes in one semester distracted me from your complete suckage... most of the time.



Apparently our dear Jeremy also has a porn actor look alike and likes to crash weddings and steal things. I don't really believe JR has really been stealing things from weddings, but it is funny to think about.

It takes a special man to be disliked more than Sean Avery. For the record, I'd rather read Avery's blog. I'll bet he knows what shoes are going to be in for fall.

No news is bad news

During a rare trip on which the moribund Kings won four in a row, the Times ran game stories on pages 4, 5 and 10, none of them longer than 400 words. All were generic dispatches from The Associated Press.

“If we’re gone for an extended trip, we fall off the map,” said Mike Altieri, the Kings’ vice president of broadcasting and communications. “Our team is gone for 14 days sometimes. That’s a significant time to not be in what is the primary voice in the local marketplace.

...the rest on Sports Business Journal.

Goodbye: Kyle Quincey

Kyle Quincey, as we like to remember him. Even though that's Detroit's Cup.

Well Kyle, to be honest, I am pretty sad that this day had to come. Most of us in LA were pretty fond of you, I think. The fact that you look kind of like Ed Norton will help you fit in anywhere. Just stop frosting your hair or whatever the hell it is you're doing to it, please. You will get even more chicks if you don't look like a late '90s senior yearbook photo.

In my head, the one where Luc is a giant Keebler elf, you and Wayne Simmonds liked to dress up Oscar Moller. At least, that's the only explanation for those weird photos where Oscar is wearing what white 50 year-old CEOs would call "urban" makes sense. In my head. What's with white people and bad sweater parties? I also think you and Simmonds took Oscar to a Western wear shop and dressed him up like a cowboy.

...and Tom Preissing, who was also traded, what the hell did you do again? All can think of is your bad contract. I've already forgotten what you look like and whether or not you're Canadian. In any case, I hope for your sake you suck less in Colorado. Maybe you should let Kyle beat you up some, to toughen you up, or just make women feel sorry for you can get some strange. Edit: I've been told that Tom Pressing is married. My best to Mrs. Preissing. (nervous laughter)

You can now look forward to bad Photoshops of Ryan Smyth and his mullet of doom.

Happy Canada Day!

It's also free agency day. It's quiet. Almost too quiet. I hope Deano is working hard.



There was a nice, classy speech about Luc before the selection of Schenn.

It's over!

I haven't bothered to look at the LA Times to see what kind of massive fail they came up with today. I'm avoiding message boards, too. The Times do hate all our home teams for some odd reason, Kings, Dodgers, and Lakers. Even I can't resist making a joke about how The Clippers don't matter, and I don't like basketball. Anaheim does not, and never has counted as Los Angeles. They're not even in the right county.

The columnist who writes about the Kings has written two letters to Uncle Phil about how he should take a personal interest in the future of the Kings. A guy who knows how to make money in real estate, petroleum, and rail really has to do nothing more than watch. He didn't make his money in sports so he hired people who know what they're doing.

Maybe I just picture Helen Elliot (I remember the name of the Times columnist now) making Uncle Phil into a crazy stage mom of 20 grown men. There is no maybe. I can see him stomping around outside the locker room yelling about how he bought them a nice venue and new jock straps.

The big news of last night is Brayden Schenn, who did not go to Toronto to play with his brother. The Staals function just fine on separate teams. Having twins is fucking cheating. Everyone knows twins have telepathy! After Schenn was picked TSN cut to a shot of Brian Burke looking indignant, and the entire ESPN Zone in Downtown LA started laughing. For a bunch of masochists we... something something.

I wish Fake Brian Burke were still around. He would have something great and bitter to say.

Oh, and Pronger has gone to to the Eastern Conference! Buh-bye, fucker! ...and Holy overpayment, Batman!

Dear lord, make it stop!

Luckily, I will not be in my apartment tomorrow during the beginning of the draft.

So far we have:

1. Heatley for Brown, #5, Tom Preissing, and a chalupa.
2. Kaberle for Frolov and Michael Jackson's rights to most of The Beatles songs.
3. Clowe for #5 and a bag of skittles.
4. Ohlund for Tom Preissing's old house, Rachel Hunter, and a Del Taco franchise. (UFA)
5. Lecavalier for JMFJ, #5, and Rachel Hunter.

OK. I have to be serious and ask why the hell people keep coming up with scenarios that involve trading Frolov? Why trade the only scoring left wing in the franchise for another center or defenseman? I can live with Jack Johnson being traded away.

The answer:

Luuuuuc!

The obvious hockey news for today is that Luc got the call for the Hockey Hall of Fame. As if there were any doubt. I grew up watching Luc play, and for me Luc is hockey.

KingsCast: Toyota Sports Center

What do Los Angeles Kings fans do in the offseason when there's no LA hockey to watch? Visit the Toyota Sports Center and see what happens. The quick answer: not much.



Brought to you by the fine folks at KingsCast.

When you're unemployed, hanging around the TSC doesn't sound so bad... at first. I also haven't been since the last practice, where quite a few fans and I waited at least an hour to see something. I give bonus points to Derek Armstrong for supplying a mother with pucks for her hockey hungry children.

LA Times FAIL

I'm told that the fella in the photo is Kelvim Escobar. I know next to nothing about baseball, especially the [not even in the county of] Los Angeles Angels.

In the interest of making Mr. Escobar a little bit more convincing as a hockey player, I took 30 seconds out of my day to draw on him (you'll have to click on it):