Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
DEREK ARMSTRONG: Hello, and welcome to our annual episode of "Who wants to go to Edmonton?" I'm your host, Derek Armstrong. Let's introduce this year's contestants. First is Teddy Purcell.
TEDDY PURCELL: I… I don't understand. Are we going to be on TV?
ARMSTRONG: Shut up, Teddy. Next we have the designated Russian. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, Alexander Frolov.
ALEXANDER FROLOV: Please don't send me to the gulags. Please.
ARMSTRONG: Finally, former first round draft pick, third overall, and media gadfly, Jack Johnson.
JACK JOHNSON: Screw you guys. Why the hell am I here?
ARMSTRONG: (laughs) Maybe you should—
JOHNSON: Shouldn't some one like Raitis be here?
ARMSTRONG: He is here. In our studio audience.
(Cut to empty audience except for Jarrett Stoll who is eating a burrito, and Raitis Ivanans who is reading Bridget Jones' Diary.)
RAITIS IVANANS: (waves copy of Bridget Jones wildly) Hey guys! You wanna go see Cats next week?
ARMSTRONG: (nervous laughter) You've met our contestants. Now onto our first trivia question. What year was the State of California… admitted to the Union? Americans are weird. Teddy?
PURCELL: Are you really going to send one of us to Edmonton?
ARMSTRONG: Edmonton, Calgary, Pittsburgh… they're all cold landlocked cities. Alex?
FROLOV: One-thousand eight-hundred fifty.
ARMSTRONG: You are… right! 50 points for Alex. Jack, what did you write?
JOHNSON: I wrote… "Suck it Army!"
ARMSTRONG: That would be funnier if you were Sean Connery.
JARRET STOLL: (throws popcorn) Booo! It's happy hour at Sharkeez right now!
ARMSTRONG: Our next trivia question—
JOHNSON: What happened to Teddy?
(cut to a lamp sitting on Teddy Purcell's podium)
ARMSTRONG: I have no idea what you're talking about. Ahem. Anyways, the next trivia question, what is your number. Just write the number that's on your jersey. Teddy?
(lamp sitting on podium)
ARMSTRONG: Teddy, you drew a picture of a log. I'm sorry, that is not a number.
JOHNSON: What? How did that lamp draw a picture of a log?!
ARMSTRONG: Alex? You wrote 24. You can actually write your number. That's 100 points for Mr. Frolov.
JOHNSON: Show off!
ARMSTRONG: Jack, you wrote, "Go Blue."
JOHNSON: Go blue!
ARMSTRONG: What does that even mean?
FROLOV: In Soviet Russia the only blue we had was that of frozen flesh after somebody die in the river.
ARMSTRONG: That's disturbing, Fro. Our final challenge: Name something Oscar Moller can do better than you. Teddy?
(log sitting on podium)
ARMSTRONG: Teddy, you drew a heart. I suppose maybe Oscar can love better than you since you have no personality. I'll give you the 200 points.
IVANANS: Wooo! Go Teddy! After this we watch Degrassi The Next Generation, yes?
ARMSTRONG: Alex, you wrote "Be blonde." I guess since you are not blonde Oscar is better at being blonde. 200 points for Frolov.
FROLOV: No gulags?!
ARMSTRONG: I can't make any guarantees. Just for fun, let's see what Jack had to say — Jack, you drew a box of Summer's Eve feminine hygiene product. Judges?
STOLL: You suck!
IVANANS: No. Oscar is nice young man.
ARMSTRONG: I'm sorry, Jack, but the judges have spoken. I award you no points, and may the hockey gods have mercy on your soul.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
…thus concludes this first Filler Friday.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Last night I braved the Metrolink for the first time ever to go see a game at The
The ratio of Kings to Ducks fans was pretty even. Even if they aren't wearing a jersey, Ducks fans are easy to identify with their khaki pants. Usually with a polo or some other kind of buttoned shirt tucked into their pants. Every day is a safari in Orange County! The men are also more likely to dye their hair, or even that blonde tips thing that was popular so popular ten years ago (I’m looking at you, Kyle Quincey!).
I must have a certain look that the opposing teams’ fans think: “I want to argue with that person!”
- No, Sean O'Donnell was not a Duck first.
- No, Sean O'Donnell played his first NHL game with the Kings in the 90s.
- Sean O'Donnell has played more than 500 games as a King now (the exact total is 518 regular season games, and 8 post-season games). Yes, I know there are only 82 games in a season. Can you tell me how many games used to be in a regular NHL season? (the answer is 84)
Check out this outdated and therefore hilarious OD fan page! So that’s his ex-wife’s name.
I was the age group they were targeted towards when the Mighty Ducks movies were first released. Saw the first two for some kid's birthday. Can you imagine being the only kid who knew a damn thing about hockey when those movies were released? “Cake eater” is not a hockey term. It never has been. Thanks to the internet, I now know that is a Minnesotan colloquialism for a rich person from Edina.
The game? Well, the Kings’ winning streak had to end eventually, but of course we’re all pissed it was against the Ducks. Two more home games before the Olympic break. Two game winning streak… please?
Also, I have spooky voodoo memory powers!