How to watch a playoff series when you hate both teams

Where I'm from, Red Wings are shoes.

Make it into a drinking game:

• Any time Lindstrom's Norris Trophies are mentioned.
• Any of Datsyuk's trophies are mentioned.
• Anyone says "Big Pavelski." Wait… that just makes me want to vomit.
• One of the announcers/talking heads mispronounces a name. This would be great if one of them was named "Anze."
• "Big Joe" Thorton.
• NBC: Is Jeremy Roenick there? Chug. Just chug dammit.
• Every time a beer or liquor product is advertised.
• Any announcer demonstrates lack of knowledge of where San Jose is. Will not work watching the Sharks broadcast.
• There is there a debate over the funniest/stupidest name on the team's roster. This works especially well for the Sharks.
• Every reference to an octopus you see.
• VERSUS: You think, "Gee, Brian Engblom could take some tips on mullet maintenance from Barry Melrose."
• Every time someone tries really, really, really hard to bleed in order to draw a penalty.

Determine which one to hate more (or be less apathetic about), by any number of factors:

• Are they in your team's division?
• How annoying are their fans?
• How many times have they taken your team out of the playoffs? (I will never forgive the Habs for damaging my pre-pubescent psyche)
• Have they won the Cup before? How many?*
• Do you have some random reason for hating one of their players? (I don't like your "beard," Crosby!)
• Do you have a good reason to hate one of their players? (Rob Blake)
• Were any of their players once on your team? (This is especially useful when looking at Boston and Philadelphia because Lappy trumps all [but Savard's game winner in overtime did get me all misty-eyed])
• How did he leave the team? Was he traded for being a little bitch? (Mike Cammalleri)
• Do you hate the city itself?
• How about its airport? Does their airport suck?
• Do you know anyone from that city? Like a college professor who failed you for showing up drunk or a really bad author? (If Ayn Rand were from a city with an NHL team I would totally hate that team almost as much as the Ducks)
• Does the team have a stupid name? (Predators? How about the mammals or vertebrates?)

Sharks hate chess.

*In this case, I do not want any team without a Cup winning one. That's another team that's not my team that has won one.

Official Game 7 Post

Well, some of the Wings fans are certainly sore losers. Take a page from us Kings fans. Drink more. Drink enough and you forget everything after the first period.

...is Fluery speaking an Earth language?

Game Six

NBC actually showed a hockey game on a week day. Surely this is a sign the coming apocalypse*. After, 12:34:56 7/8/09 is not happening just once, but twice this year!

Conquest - White Horse - Bettman. Who else? Though I should add that he is failing horribly.
War - Red Horse - George Parros. Parros creeps me out with that porn 'stache of his. And Zach Stortini is just too obvious. Honorable mention to Sean Avery for starting a shit storm over something really, really stupid.
Famine - Black Horse - Marty Brodeur. He ate all my pie, man! I live in a city that has a House of Pies!
Death - Pale Horse - Just about anyone in the NHL could kill me. Except maybe Mike Cammelleri or Oscar Moller. Oscar is just too adorable.

*Actually I'm not into the whole Jesus thing. This is a literary exercise. By some one who did not go to school for the liberal arts... and used to write ad copy for a living.

At this point I really don't care who wins. I just want to see them beat the crap out of each other. I guess Hossa getting his cup would be a good thing, so us here in LA can keep dreaming that he'll sign here.

Post One: Creepy Crosby

Photoshop + Creepy Playoff Beard + Megan's Law Website=

I forgot how creepy it is to look at the Megan's Law Website. Sidney went from "Is that mold on his face?" to "Stay away from my kids!" in one season. Congratulations, Sid. I'm going to drink now so I can cheer for the Wings without feeling completely dirty.