Tuesday, April 27, 2010

End of the season

It's important to remember the good times...

Matt Greene's pants
A mock game show
The end of Purcell watch 2009/10
A salute to Conan O'Brien

...and bad times...

Jeremy Roenick continues to reminds us of his miserable failure in LA
A post about Jon Quick's mojo
Festivus Airing of Grievances

What's all this business about "chirping?"

Drew Doughty has been nominated for the Nicklas Lidstrom Award Norris Trophy. In spite of having hurt his hand during game one against the Canucks. Playing against a hurt Drew Doughty is, well, still pretty difficult from the looks of it. The other nominees are Fat Mike and some kid named Duncan Keith. Not to be confused with this Fat Mike.

Dustin Brown is nominated for the NHL Foundation Award. Which is about charity or something. Fat Mike is nominated for that one, too. In the mean time, Brown is going to get a bone graft to his fucking jaw.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Game 3 in Review

I was fortunate to score tickets to game 3 last night. Score them for face value, in fact. Resale tickets for a Kings playoff game in Los Angeles are now going for nearly double of the original face value.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Wait, who let these guys in?
We kept the Okies and Arkies out during the dustbowl, but we just can't keep out the Canadians.

One of the great things about LA is that it is made of people from everywhere else. I know very few people whose parents were also raised in Los Angeles. I've adopted LA as my home. In spite of having lived in other states and countries, I always come back here. Hockey Buddy and I sat next to some very nice older Canadian gentlemen who are also Kings fans.

The Staples Center is usually full of some very nice people, except when it comes to Ducks fans. We hate those fuckers. For the playoffs, less is held back (I haven't heard about any fights yet). The few Canucks fans who showed up experienced something similar to the walk of shame for the three Avs fans who show up to Frozen Fury.

It was loud. It was packed. It was sweaty. It was everything I'd been eight long years for.

I was afraid of my camera flying out of my hands, and with good reason. So I'll let Youtube tell you the story...

A nice guy named Tom posted the following two videos. Thanks, Tom, where ever you are.

There were no green men, and we didn't see Westside Rental Man, even though they did play his jam. Last night instead marked the return of cult icon Matthew "Dancing Boy" Barry:

Hockey, live music, a cult icon... is there anything last night didn't have?

This is LA! Of course we've got dead hookers!

My voice is hoarse, my towel arm is tired, and my hands are bruised. I can't wait to do it again.

For a better recap check out The Royal Half.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Primer for writing about Los Angeles and hockey

One of those things that screams "This journalist knows nothing about LA!" is using Los Angeles and Hollywood interchangeably. Hollywood is a neighborhood within Los Angeles. Think of it like how SoHo is a neighborhood in Manhattan or Lake View in Chicago. The only hockey player I know of with a house in Hollywood is Sean Avery who has a house in the Hollywood Hills. They're one of those many groups of hills around here that are always catching on fire. I don't even know if Avery still owns that house. Most of the Kings players live pretty far from Hollywood around Hermosa and Manhattan Beaches.

I have slept through earthquakes. I think 60° F is cold. I'm a native Southern Californian, and I've lived in LA for about seven years; but I have yet to find this mythical "Tinsel Town" place you people keep talking about. I can recite some really obscure bits of LA history, tell you how to avoid traffic around the Westside, and find the parking meter Gary Busey had an affair with, but no fucking Tinsel Town.

Hollywood is pink on purpose.*

  • It does rain in Los Angeles.
  • Areas of the Angeles National forest do get snow.
  • We have many ice rinks. Youth and rec hockey are alive and well here.
  • You can blame Orange County (and the Ducks) for soccer moms.
  • Los Angeles is in Los Angeles County. Anaheim is in Orange County. Just because their baseball team changed their name doesn't make them any less not LA.
  • Yes, there are a lot of distractions here, which is probably why we are able to do things besides watch hockey. I don't know what, but supposedly it's possible.
  • Part of why hockey players are able to lead normal lives here is because being around celebrities eventually leads to apathy. We see them, we just don't care. Personally, I don't bother people when they are out grocery shopping, having dinner with the family, or walking their dogs because that would piss me off.
  • I fucking hate the Lakers.

*from losangelesmap.org

Game 2 in Review

What's better than watching Luongo give one up to Anze Koptar?
Watching Luongo give up the game winner to Anze Kopitar.

Here's one of the silly things I love about the Kings playing the Canucks: no change in time zone. Otherwise I think my boss would notice when I need to leave at 4:30 every other day. Unlike the Olympics, we aren't getting a three hour tape delay here in the States. At least not yet. I'm looking at you, NBC.

The only predictions of the Kings-Canucks series that don't say this is going to be a seven game series are from people in the eastern timezone, most likely Canadian, who haven't watched more than maybe four Kings games in the past year. The verdict seems to be split down the down middle Kings in 7 or Canucks in 7.

The Kings aren't the only untested team in the playoffs. The Phoenix Coyotes haven't been in the playoffs since 2002, either. The Red Wings are no longer relying on Chris Osgood, in favor of Jimmy Howard, who has played a total of 9 NHL games before this season. Craig Anderson has played in more NHL games, but has never seen the playoffs, either.

So I was willing to go to a viewing party because I had a gut feeling that Kings could and would tie it up last night. Normally I won't go to viewing parties because of the sadness drinking that follows a loss. Lots and lots of sadness drinking. If I die of liver failure, blame the Kings.

Last night was the first playoff...
...assists for the promised one Drew Doughty and Jack Johnson.
...goal for Wayne Simmonds.
...goal for Anze Kopitar. Game winner in overtime.
...win for Jonathan Quick.

Anze Kopitar can't hear you over the sound of his own awesomeness.

Thursday was the first playoff...
...assists for Dustin Brown and Alexander Frolov. Frolov has played 536 NHL games and never seen the playoffs. Brown in a close second with 431 games.
...assist for Anze Kopitar who has played 318 games.

Your moment of zen...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Filler Friday: Salute to dudes who take hits to the face

Hockey players, for all the crazy ass puck bunnies that seem to be plaguing the collective existence of people who actually know the definition of "off-sides," aren't really known for their good looks. They're often missing teeth before the age of 20, and take pucks, fists, sticks, and panes of glass to the face. They're so used to this that they often get stitched up on the bench without even a swig of Canadian whiskey.

Matt Green v. frozen piece of rubber

Oh yeah, the Kings won that game against the Canucks. Thanks in part to Matt Greene's face.

"Uh, Matt, there's blood coming out of your face."
"I know. Good game."

Ian Laperriere takes a puck to the face courtesy of Jason Jason Pominville

Brad Richardson, welcome to the club.

But don't be a little bitch about it...

"He hit my ear!"

(yeah, the real thing isn't on Youtube)

Monday, April 12, 2010

The most non-sensical explanation of a first round playoff match, ever

I was busy doing taxes and replacing a shower head. Here we go:

Stay with me here...

Don't be fooled by that sly smile.

That's right, it's time for the trainers' revenge!

I've my tickets for Monday, April 21st. Hockey in April. Yeah, motherfuckers!

Here's a Rick Springfield video:

Friday, April 9, 2010

Filler Friday: Geography

A gem from the Olympics:

(click to see the whole thing)

So... what is the difference between Slovenia and Slovakia anyways?

Slovenia Slovakia
Official Language Slovene (Italian and Hungarian co-official in certain areas) Slovak
NHL Players Anže Kopitar Pavol Demitra, Marián Gáborík, Jaroslav Halák, Michal Handzuš, Marián Hossa, Zdeno Chára, Stan Mikita, Ladislav Nagy, Žigmund Pálffy, Miroslav Šatan, Ľubomír Višňovský
Was once part of the USSR? Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia No, but was under Soviet control from 1948 until 1989
Has a coastline? Yes No
Was once part of... Yugoslavia Czechoslovakia
Pleaceful split from mother country? Hell to the no Yes
Population 2,054,199 5,379,455
Popular export No data readily available on Wikipedia... pancakes? Hockey players
Do people there sound like Borat? No Maybe
Hockey team qualified for the 2010 Olympics No Yes

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Someone stole Jon Quick's mojo

“This is my stick. There are many like it, but this one is mine.”

Question: Where did Jonathan Quick's mojo go?
a. It's buried in Patrick O'Neal's backyard.
b. That guy from Willow stole it.
c. It's making a cameo on Glee.

I really don't believe that his kid ate it.

Less this.

More this.

Stay tuned for: How Justin Williams Got His Groove back.

images yoinked from Life and Zimbio

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Capitalizing on the losses of others

Us LA Kings fans take a lot of flack for being Kings fans. Our team hasn't seen the playoffs in seven seasons. While I was in North Carolina earlier this year, a Canes fan told me, "You aren't a real fan until your team sucks."

So the last time I saw playoff hockey in Los Angeles I was still living two hours away (I moved to LA in 2003). The last playoff hockey I saw inside the Staples was this game in 2001:

I called myself in sick from school (cell phones and sounding like one of your parents are awesome things at that age) and headed down to LA in my piece of shit 10 year-old Ford. If you actually watch the end of that video, you can hear Bob Miller, the happiest I remember hearing him. There was crying. There was hugging of strangers. There were Red Wings' tears. Delicious Red Wings' tears, which taste like Swedish meatballs.

Last night was a pretty lackluster game for the Kings. A disappointment after Thursday, one of the worst days of Roberto Luongo's life.

The seats I had last night often have the visiting team's fans behind them. Last night was no except. A pair of exceptionally dumb Ducks fans sat right behind me. One, these people thought the Ducks stood a chance of getting the 8th seed. This would require not only for the Ducks to win all their upcoming games, but for Colorado and Calgary to lose theirs. Two, the amazing insight of things like "why don't they go down the middle?" Oh, I don't know, because when defensemen do their jobs going down the middle usually isn't an option.

Last night went into a shootout. The first two shooters, as all of us Kings fans know, are always Anze Kopitar and Jack Johnson. The third was Dustin Brown. OK, Dustin Brown just came off of a hat trick on Thursday, but I knew somewhere in the back of my head that there had to be someone better than Brown to go third.

That someone is Michal Handzus.

The big news is, with Calgary's regulation loss today, the LA Kings are going to the playoffs for the first time in eight years!

You know what would've been real cool. Watching the Chicago game at home instead of having to go to a bar, but Calgary isn't one of NBC's 6 teams that they always show.

Rangers are the only wild card in there.

...but watching the game at a bar did mean I got to watch some table dancing after Calgary lost. Baja Mexico also wanted celebrate, 'cause that's how we roll.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Filler Friday... Celebrities?

I wept a little inside.*

One of the first Google results for "celebrities and hockey" turns up this story about Bollywood. After a vigorous YouTube search I have determined that they were probably referring to that grass hockey that little girls in English prep schools play.

Nothing more annoying than a foreign person who says "ice hockey" instead of just hockey.

Sure, random-celebrity I never heard of until people started saying you were banging Doughnuts, sure you love hockey for the fights.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

If you were in it for the fights, you'd show this guy some love...

No really, where are all the Simmonds fan girls?

*Mostly because my dad is a Blues fan. He's from St Louis.