Well, Teddy, that time has come. We knew you were going to get traded. You were taking up too much room in the press box and we need that for shiny things to entertain Raitis Ivanans, and Davis Drewiske's hair products. You're already in Tampa* (Sorry). Located on America's wang (Sorry). Maybe you'll get your groove back there. Maybe you'll even be able to play a bottom-six winger consistently. Maybe you'll turn out to be another Matt Moulson, but signs point to no.
Something Teddy really isn't used to anymore.
We here in LA have put together some useful tips to help ease your transition.
Your teammates will really like the new guy better if you have an identity. We don't really know what it means, but we think Matt Greene was saying you have no personality.
Florida is a Spring Break hot spot, but don't let that fool you. Always ask for proof of age. Especially since only the poor kids would go to a dump like Tampa.
Practice your golf swing. I hope you listened to Brad Richardson.
Teddy, as we'll always remember him.
*As someone who has been to Tampa several times (stupid family) I can vouch for it's suckage.
Seriously, there is already a photo of him in the Kings jersey up on the site. Go look for yourself. A faceoff guy will fit-in nicely when Jarret Stoll's junk goes out of whack. Again. UPDATE: Kwisp has a post about the nice copy and paste job from the Kings staffers.
There were some slices of fried gold on the Battle of California post about Lubo going to the Quacks. My favorite: You may own his body, but you don’t own his heart.
The Lubo cookies will make you feel better.
This may be the single greatest thing I have accomplished in five minutes.
(also to be known as McSwarley’s salute to Conan O’Brien)
Before everyone tells me that Americans like myself have fucked up priorities because I care more about Conan O'Brien and the LA Kings than foreign disasters… AmeriCares uses 99% of all money donated to them for humanitarian aid. Before you text the Red Cross* because it’s so easy, consider that fact.
Kings 4 – Ducks 0 – Wayne Simmonds 3
One goal and two fights for Wayne Simmonds in one night. Sadly, he will have to keep trying for that Gordie Howe hat trick. Actually, I’m pretty sure he got one in Edmonton last year.
Ryan Smith also managed to get another penalty while still in the penalty box. For his mullet being too awesome. Now that’s talent!
Towards the end of the game the Ducks were so frustrated we weren’t sure if there really were that many penalties happening at once, or if the screen was broken. What was really going in those penalty boxes? Besides Ryan Getzlaf reading an Elmo book…
Three Kings, one burger.
Not that anyone outside of California was watching this game, but I think this may confuse people into thinking that we actually use subways here. Oh we have them, but mostly for the novelty value.
Hiller may be wearing orange, but since the Ducks are all things wrong in the world, I can assure you he is not on Team Conan.
Jonas Hiller: NHL goaltender, or ‘80s pop star?
I made this for no reason.
OK, I made it so I could post this.
If you weren’t already pissed about the Bobby Ryan hit on Oscar Moller, you’re welcome. Oscar, you're a champ for standing up for yourself after a hit that very well could have broken your neck. Brownie points to Drew Doughty and Brad Richardson for standing up for their Swede.
*McSwarley encourages donating blood through the Red Cross. You never know when Justin Williams, or one of Wayne Simmonds’ victims may need it.
In an effort help Andrei Loktionov learn English while he his rehabbing, the Kings staff have made a chart of Terry Murray demonstrating various emotions so he can speak to the media about the disappointment of getting a shoulder injury in his first NHL game. Not unlike the posters I remember seeing in my high school Spanish class… except my Spanish teacher also taught German so we had a poster of Jim Varney exhibiting sad in Deustch.
Going alphabetically from the roster on lakings.com...
Dustin Brown: We’re all waiting for you to get your groove back. Waiting and waiting… Corey Elkins: Who are you, again? Well, you got your first goal in your second NHL game ever, let’s hope you turn out better than Teddy Purcell. Alexander Frolov: Fro-love, I’m going to be candid with you, dear. When you suck you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re hurting me, too. Oh yeah, and your team. Michal Handzus: Everything you touch turns to awesome. Start touching Frolov some more, but only in the nice, platonic-teammate way. Raitis Ivanans: A lot of people get down on you for not being a very good forward, or being very good on the puck at all. I think you’re doing a great job of scaring the shit out of anyone who thinks he can level a little guy like Oscar Moller.
“…and as I reigned blows upon him…” Photo from this guy.
Anze Kopitar: You started off so well this season. I guess not spending the summer in Slovenia eating pancakes really was what you needed all along. Having Ryan Smyth as your left arm probably helped, too. You need to learn to score goals without him, too. Remember, when you used to do that? Andrei Loktionov: Next! Oscar Moller: You know, Oscar, a lot of people are down on you for being so small. Just remind them that you’re taller than Michael Cammelleri, and have better stats than Teddy Purcell. Teddy Purcell: Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. I liked you last season. I really did. I liked hearing that you were signed for another year with the club. What happened? You need to find that mojo fairy and demand back your mojo. Brad Richardson: Up until last month I thought you were the biggest waste of space since John Zeiler. I still think you look like a douchebag. Brandon Segal: Next! Wayne Simmonds: The only problem I could have with you is you’re making those other guys look bad. Stop that! Ryan Smyth: Well, Smytty, since you got your usual injury out of the way early this year can we expect you to be ready for the playoffs? The last thing we want is a Smyth-less Kopitar in the playoffs. The only 2-fer I want to see this year is from Disneyland. Jarret Stoll: Please start stretching properly before and after games. Also, it probably wouldn’t hurt to stretch before engaging in whatever activities shall remain unnamed with the sorority girls or cougars you probably pick up at Sharkeez. Also, stop giving Justin Williams hair tips.
Seriously, stop it with the fauxhawks.
Justin Williams: You’ve been hanging out with Stoll too much, minus the cougars. I hope. Drew Doughty: Kind of hard to find a problem with Drew. Uh… make up your mind about that facial hair! Davis Drewiske: Stop being so adorable.
Matt Greene:See Wayne Simmonds. Peter Harrold: What are you doing here? Did you miss a turn on the way to Disneyland. Oh, you’re a hockey player? Jack Johnson: Jack Jack Jack. You’re not a bad guy. You’re not a bad hockey player. What we need is for you to find your place on the team. Randy Jones: …start hitting more? You know, when you get back. I don't know. Sean O’Donnell: Having about 12 kids must be trying at times. How do you feed all them? You know what they say about growing boys. Rob Scuderi: I like you, Rob, but stay away from my dog. You do kind of look like an escaped mental patient. Erik Ersberg: Two out of three ain’t bad. Jonathan Quick: Jon, I want you to succeed. We all want you to succeed, except maybe Stupid Sexy Bernier. In the next year, let’s try being consistent. It will probably only be another year before a better goaltender is brought to carry some of the weight.
I'm told that the fella in the photo is Kelvim Escobar. I know next to nothing about baseball, especially the [not even in the county of] Los Angeles Angels.
In the interest of making Mr. Escobar a little bit more convincing as a hockey player, I took 30 seconds out of my day to draw on him (you'll have to click on it):
Photoshop + Creepy Playoff Beard + Megan's Law Website=
I forgot how creepy it is to look at the Megan's Law Website. Sidney went from "Is that mold on his face?" to "Stay away from my kids!" in one season. Congratulations, Sid. I'm going to drink now so I can cheer for the Wings without feeling completely dirty.
