McSwarley Goes Behind the Orange Curtain

It only looks like a short walk before you know Anaheim's crime-rate outside the immediate Disneyland area.

Last night I braved the Metrolink for the first time ever to go see a game at The Pond Puddle Ponda Honda Center. Now, I’ve been to The Ponda to see the Kings play the Ducks before, but that was more than ten years ago. I always felt like the place was sterile compared to the stinky, smelly magic that was The Great Western Forum. Now, as an adult, I’m pissed I didn’t have anywhere to put my liquor! Perhaps this is why people always seemed drunker at the Ponda.

The ratio of Kings to Ducks fans was pretty even. Even if they aren't wearing a jersey, Ducks fans are easy to identify with their khaki pants. Usually with a polo or some other kind of buttoned shirt tucked into their pants. Every day is a safari in Orange County! The men are also more likely to dye their hair, or even that blonde tips thing that was popular so popular ten years ago (I’m looking at you, Kyle Quincey!).

I must have a certain look that the opposing teams’ fans think: “I want to argue with that person!”

• No, Sean O'Donnell was not a Duck first.
• No, Sean O'Donnell played his first NHL game with the Kings in the 90s.
• Sean O'Donnell has played more than 500 games as a King now (the exact total is 518 regular season games, and 8 post-season games). Yes, I know there are only 82 games in a season. Can you tell me how many games used to be in a regular NHL season? (the answer is 84)

Check out this outdated and therefore hilarious OD fan page! So that’s his ex-wife’s name.

This is the reason I hate Emilio Estevez (not really, but it would be a good reason).

I was the age group they were targeted towards when the Mighty Ducks movies were first released. Saw the first two for some kid's birthday. Can you imagine being the only kid who knew a damn thing about hockey when those movies were released? “Cake eater” is not a hockey term. It never has been. Thanks to the internet, I now know that is a Minnesotan colloquialism for a rich person from Edina.

The game? Well, the Kings’ winning streak had to end eventually, but of course we’re all pissed it was against the Ducks. Two more home games before the Olympic break. Two game winning streak… please?

Also, I have spooky voodoo memory powers!

In case you had any doubt...

LA Kings fans can get pretty loud. I would say crazy, but chanting "You suck!" at the 27 Avalanche fans who showed up isn't really all that interesting. In spite of the free drinks I found that I did not need to be drunk for this game. The MGM Grand Arena isn't all that grand so I guess the free drinks kept me from noticing that my ass hurt.



That "special surprise" at 1:14 tried to start a fight with me in the food court. Which was pretty hilarious. I'm guessing the combined weight of those two is 160 lbs. A nice gentleman behind me in line remarked about how they needed to eat, and then talked to me about offsides and cherry picking in the NHL. He was a Vegas resident from the Midwest who did not know that Las Vegas has their own ECHL team. The Wranglers who play at The Orleans, off the strip. A very nice hotel. I have no idea with whom The Vegas Wranglers are affiliated, but their mascot looks like he was made of spare parts from the mascot box:

It was a magical night of free liquor, people wandering around in Kings jerseys and t-shirts, and more free booze.

List of random opinions and shit I made up for Frozen Fury XII:

• Ivanans was not on the ice. Most likely because he is busy staging a coup on Latvia.
• Wayne Simmonds is still a generic white player in NHL2K10. They can't go to the extra effort of putting a tint on the skin to make a generic black player?
• Colorado fans are sick bastards who want players exposed to pathogens (See Wayne Simmonds beating the hell out of some Avs player).
• Kyle Quincey did not look happy to be in an Avalanche uniform. Is Denver like Pittsburgh when it comes to women? I still love you anyways, Quincey.
• Bailey made his preseason return. He was recently at some LA mascot thing I saw on TV. All the others were pretty tame compared to Bailey, who was going apeshit. We love you, Bailey.
• Poker tournaments are boring if you aren't one of the players. Unless you're the kind of person who gets excited by famous people. Eh. Maybe I've been in LA too long for that.
• Clubs in Vegas are much worse than those in LA. There are even more drunk, dirty people looking to get laid. I had to scrub myself when I got back to my hotel room alone.
• Ellen Page does not look like she belongs in roller derby. She would have to gain about 30 lbs. of muscle, and even then I think the LA Derby Dolls could mop the floor with her.

Goodbye: Kyle Quincey

Kyle Quincey, as we like to remember him. Even though that's Detroit's Cup.

Well Kyle, to be honest, I am pretty sad that this day had to come. Most of us in LA were pretty fond of you, I think. The fact that you look kind of like Ed Norton will help you fit in anywhere. Just stop frosting your hair or whatever the hell it is you're doing to it, please. You will get even more chicks if you don't look like a late '90s senior yearbook photo.

In my head, the one where Luc is a giant Keebler elf, you and Wayne Simmonds liked to dress up Oscar Moller. At least, that's the only explanation for those weird photos where Oscar is wearing what white 50 year-old CEOs would call "urban" makes sense. In my head. What's with white people and bad sweater parties? I also think you and Simmonds took Oscar to a Western wear shop and dressed him up like a cowboy.

...and Tom Preissing, who was also traded, what the hell did you do again? All can think of is your bad contract. I've already forgotten what you look like and whether or not you're Canadian. In any case, I hope for your sake you suck less in Colorado. Maybe you should let Kyle beat you up some, to toughen you up, or just make women feel sorry for you can get some strange. Edit: I've been told that Tom Pressing is married. My best to Mrs. Preissing. (nervous laughter)

You can now look forward to bad Photoshops of Ryan Smyth and his mullet of doom.