Filler Friday: Shark Hatred

Just imagine Patrick Kane has Mr. T's stupid haircut instead of a mullet. What, you were expecting Dustin Byfuglien?

Things I hate almost as much as the Sharks:

• "The Office."
• Paragraphs containing double-spaces after final punctuation even though there has been no need for it for at least the past fifteen years, unless you're using an actual typewriter.
• That it seems at least 75% of the general population is obsessed with bacon.
• The cancellation of "My Name is Earl."
• Creme filling.
• Listening to Republicans fight over who is more conservative in one of the most liberal states in the country. You know, where that might not be a good thing when campaigning for governor.
• Brian Willsie.

How to watch a playoff series when you hate both teams

Where I'm from, Red Wings are shoes.

Make it into a drinking game:

• Any time Lindstrom's Norris Trophies are mentioned.
• Any of Datsyuk's trophies are mentioned.
• Anyone says "Big Pavelski." Wait… that just makes me want to vomit.
• One of the announcers/talking heads mispronounces a name. This would be great if one of them was named "Anze."
• "Big Joe" Thorton.
• NBC: Is Jeremy Roenick there? Chug. Just chug dammit.
• Every time a beer or liquor product is advertised.
• Any announcer demonstrates lack of knowledge of where San Jose is. Will not work watching the Sharks broadcast.
• There is there a debate over the funniest/stupidest name on the team's roster. This works especially well for the Sharks.
• Every reference to an octopus you see.
• VERSUS: You think, "Gee, Brian Engblom could take some tips on mullet maintenance from Barry Melrose."
• Every time someone tries really, really, really hard to bleed in order to draw a penalty.

Determine which one to hate more (or be less apathetic about), by any number of factors:

• Are they in your team's division?
• How annoying are their fans?
• How many times have they taken your team out of the playoffs? (I will never forgive the Habs for damaging my pre-pubescent psyche)
• Have they won the Cup before? How many?*
• Do you have some random reason for hating one of their players? (I don't like your "beard," Crosby!)
• Do you have a good reason to hate one of their players? (Rob Blake)
• Were any of their players once on your team? (This is especially useful when looking at Boston and Philadelphia because Lappy trumps all [but Savard's game winner in overtime did get me all misty-eyed])
• How did he leave the team? Was he traded for being a little bitch? (Mike Cammalleri)
• Do you hate the city itself?
• How about its airport? Does their airport suck?
• Do you know anyone from that city? Like a college professor who failed you for showing up drunk or a really bad author? (If Ayn Rand were from a city with an NHL team I would totally hate that team almost as much as the Ducks)
• Does the team have a stupid name? (Predators? How about the mammals or vertebrates?)

Sharks hate chess.

*In this case, I do not want any team without a Cup winning one. That's another team that's not my team that has won one.

Game 3 in Review

I was fortunate to score tickets to game 3 last night. Score them for face value, in fact. Resale tickets for a Kings playoff game in Los Angeles are now going for nearly double of the original face value.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... Wait, who let these guys in?

We kept the Okies and Arkies out during the dustbowl, but we just can't keep out the Canadians.

One of the great things about LA is that it is made of people from everywhere else. I know very few people whose parents were also raised in Los Angeles. I've adopted LA as my home. In spite of having lived in other states and countries, I always come back here. Hockey Buddy and I sat next to some very nice older Canadian gentlemen who are also Kings fans.

The Staples Center is usually full of some very nice people, except when it comes to Ducks fans. We hate those fuckers. For the playoffs, less is held back (I haven't heard about any fights yet). The few Canucks fans who showed up experienced something similar to the walk of shame for the three Avs fans who show up to Frozen Fury.

It was loud. It was packed. It was sweaty. It was everything I'd been eight long years for.

I was afraid of my camera flying out of my hands, and with good reason. So I'll let Youtube tell you the story...

A nice guy named Tom posted the following two videos. Thanks, Tom, where ever you are.


There were no green men, and we didn't see Westside Rental Man, even though they did play his jam. Last night instead marked the return of cult icon Matthew "Dancing Boy" Barry:



Hockey, live music, a cult icon... is there anything last night didn't have?



This is LA! Of course we've got dead hookers!

My voice is hoarse, my towel arm is tired, and my hands are bruised. I can't wait to do it again.

For a better recap check out The Royal Half.

Game 2 in Review

What's better than watching Luongo give one up to Anze Koptar?
Watching Luongo give up the game winner to Anze Kopitar.

Here's one of the silly things I love about the Kings playing the Canucks: no change in time zone. Otherwise I think my boss would notice when I need to leave at 4:30 every other day. Unlike the Olympics, we aren't getting a three hour tape delay here in the States. At least not yet. I'm looking at you, NBC.

The only predictions of the Kings-Canucks series that don't say this is going to be a seven game series are from people in the eastern timezone, most likely Canadian, who haven't watched more than maybe four Kings games in the past year. The verdict seems to be split down the down middle Kings in 7 or Canucks in 7.

The Kings aren't the only untested team in the playoffs. The Phoenix Coyotes haven't been in the playoffs since 2002, either. The Red Wings are no longer relying on Chris Osgood, in favor of Jimmy Howard, who has played a total of 9 NHL games before this season. Craig Anderson has played in more NHL games, but has never seen the playoffs, either.

So I was willing to go to a viewing party because I had a gut feeling that Kings could and would tie it up last night. Normally I won't go to viewing parties because of the sadness drinking that follows a loss. Lots and lots of sadness drinking. If I die of liver failure, blame the Kings.

Last night was the first playoff...
...assists for the promised one Drew Doughty and Jack Johnson.
...goal for Wayne Simmonds.
...goal for Anze Kopitar. Game winner in overtime.
...win for Jonathan Quick.

Anze Kopitar can't hear you over the sound of his own awesomeness.

Thursday was the first playoff...
...assists for Dustin Brown and Alexander Frolov. Frolov has played 536 NHL games and never seen the playoffs. Brown in a close second with 431 games.
...assist for Anze Kopitar who has played 318 games.

Your moment of zen...

Filler Friday: Salute to dudes who take hits to the face

Hockey players, for all the crazy ass puck bunnies that seem to be plaguing the collective existence of people who actually know the definition of "off-sides," aren't really known for their good looks. They're often missing teeth before the age of 20, and take pucks, fists, sticks, and panes of glass to the face. They're so used to this that they often get stitched up on the bench without even a swig of Canadian whiskey.

Matt Green v. frozen piece of rubber


Oh yeah, the Kings won that game against the Canucks. Thanks in part to Matt Greene's face.


"Uh, Matt, there's blood coming out of your face."
"I know. Good game."

Ian Laperriere takes a puck to the face courtesy of Jason Jason Pominville



Brad Richardson, welcome to the club.




But don't be a little bitch about it...



"He hit my ear!"


(yeah, the real thing isn't on Youtube)

The most non-sensical explanation of a first round playoff match, ever

I was busy doing taxes and replacing a shower head. Here we go:

Stay with me here...

Don't be fooled by that sly smile.

That's right, it's time for the trainers' revenge!

I've my tickets for Monday, April 21st. Hockey in April. Yeah, motherfuckers!

Here's a Rick Springfield video:

Capitalizing on the losses of others

Us LA Kings fans take a lot of flack for being Kings fans. Our team hasn't seen the playoffs in seven seasons. While I was in North Carolina earlier this year, a Canes fan told me, "You aren't a real fan until your team sucks."

So the last time I saw playoff hockey in Los Angeles I was still living two hours away (I moved to LA in 2003). The last playoff hockey I saw inside the Staples was this game in 2001:



I called myself in sick from school (cell phones and sounding like one of your parents are awesome things at that age) and headed down to LA in my piece of shit 10 year-old Ford. If you actually watch the end of that video, you can hear Bob Miller, the happiest I remember hearing him. There was crying. There was hugging of strangers. There were Red Wings' tears. Delicious Red Wings' tears, which taste like Swedish meatballs.

Last night was a pretty lackluster game for the Kings. A disappointment after Thursday, one of the worst days of Roberto Luongo's life.




The seats I had last night often have the visiting team's fans behind them. Last night was no except. A pair of exceptionally dumb Ducks fans sat right behind me. One, these people thought the Ducks stood a chance of getting the 8th seed. This would require not only for the Ducks to win all their upcoming games, but for Colorado and Calgary to lose theirs. Two, the amazing insight of things like "why don't they go down the middle?" Oh, I don't know, because when defensemen do their jobs going down the middle usually isn't an option.

Last night went into a shootout. The first two shooters, as all of us Kings fans know, are always Anze Kopitar and Jack Johnson. The third was Dustin Brown. OK, Dustin Brown just came off of a hat trick on Thursday, but I knew somewhere in the back of my head that there had to be someone better than Brown to go third.


That someone is Michal Handzus.

The big news is, with Calgary's regulation loss today, the LA Kings are going to the playoffs for the first time in eight years!



You know what would've been real cool. Watching the Chicago game at home instead of having to go to a bar, but Calgary isn't one of NBC's 6 teams that they always show.


Rangers are the only wild card in there.

...but watching the game at a bar did mean I got to watch some table dancing after Calgary lost. Baja Mexico also wanted celebrate, 'cause that's how we roll.

Post One: Creepy Crosby

Photoshop + Creepy Playoff Beard + Megan's Law Website=

I forgot how creepy it is to look at the Megan's Law Website. Sidney went from "Is that mold on his face?" to "Stay away from my kids!" in one season. Congratulations, Sid. I'm going to drink now so I can cheer for the Wings without feeling completely dirty.