(SCENE: JARRET STOLL driving STOLL'S Benz/BMW/Lexus/Whatever with JUSTIN WILLIAMS in the backseat and ILYA KOVALCHUK riding in the front passenger seat)ILYA KOVALCHUK: No really, where you taking me?
JARRET STOLL: Lombardi wanted us to show you a good time in the city.
KOVALCHUK: Why he doing here? (gestures towards Justin Williams)
STOLL: (Sighs) To make sure I don't piss off your wife.
KOVALCHUK: I uh… I do not understand.
JUSTIN WILLIAMS: Stoll-Mole is trying to say we don't want Mrs. Kovalchuk killing the whole LA thing for you.
STOLL: By that he means no fun. Pffffft.
KOVALCHUK: Oh good. Where are are we going then now?
WILLIAMS: You, uh… what about… well, what do you want to see?
KOVALCHUK: Mickey Mouse. I want to see Mickey Mouse.
STOLL: You're kidding.
KOVALCHUK: Oh no. We do not have Land of Disney in Mother Russia. Wife never let me go to Land of Disney in Florida because they do not like Donald Duck in Lithuania because he does not wear pants.
WILLIAMS: (blink, blink) Ohhhkay. I don't think a trip to Disneyland can possibly go wrong. Right, Stolly? (punches Stoll's shoulder)
STOLL: (deadpan) Oh stop, Willy, you're hurting me.
WILLIAMS: That hurt my hand. I think I heard a crunching sound.
KOVALCHUK: So we see Mickey Mouse?
STOLL: (unenthusiatic) Yes. We'll go to see Mickey Mouse.
WILLIAMS: And that sinful pantless Donald Duck. Ah! Ah!?
STOLL: You're supposed to make things not worse.
(CUT TO: Giant Disneyland parking garage)
WILLIAMS: Remember everyone, we're in the Itchy lot.
KOVALCHUK: Itchy? That is Goofy. Goofen fore!
STOLL: Don't worry about Willy. He just watches too much TV in the hospital. We're in Goofy four, Willy.
(CUT TO: Disneyland tram queue)
KOVALCHUK: Oh trains! In Mother Russia trains are not happy thing. What is name of the train ride?STOLL: Relax. The tram is just going to take us to Disneyland.
WILLIAMS: This is gonna be fun! I never get to go to Disneyland without my kid and he never wants to go on Splash Mountain!
STOLL: This is among many reasons I don't have kids.
KOVALCHUK: You really like Splash Mountain.
STOLL: Sure... We'll call it Splash Mountain.
(CUT TO: Line for Splash Mountain)
STOLL: Willy! Go get a wheelchair so Kovy here doesn't have to wait in line.
WILLIAMS: Why do I always have to get a wheelchair?
STOLL: Because you know how to operate one.
WILLIAMS: It's really not that hard. You just—
STOLL: —Make with the handicap while I try to explain these vaguely racist animals.
(15 MINUTES LATER)
STOLL: …and that's how I got three rabies shots in one year.
KOVALCHUK: (inching away from Stoll) Justin Williams! You are back! In wheeled chair!
WILLIAMS: Yeah yeah. Let's not keep Mr. Ilya waiting in line with the creepy robotic animals any longer.
KOVALCHUK: In Mother Russia we cannot make animals into robots. The delicious meat too precious.
WILLIAMS: These aren't real animals. They're just robots. They just put fake animal stuff on robot parts and—
STOLL: —I've already tried. Just let him think they're zombies or whatever.
WILLIAMS: That's horrifying.
KOVALCHUK: Like Rasputin! (huge smile)
STOLL: OK, we have to lift Willy out of the chair and into the log. Willy, pretend your legs don't work.
WILLIAMS: Yeah yeah. Very funny. (crosses arms)
(ENTER: McSwarley being lazing and not wanting to describe Splash Mountain to you)
(Walking away from Splash Mountain)
KOVALCHUK: I still do not understand. About what were animals singing?
WILLIAMS: That it's a good day?
STOLL: Did you like the big drop at the end?
KOVALCHUK: Oh yes. Very much. Donald Duck can't be that bad if he has all these happy robot animals.
(ENTER: TAYLOR HALL taking photos with Mickey Mouse)
KOVALCHUK: Oooh! Mickey Mouse! (runs toward Mickey Mouse)
TAYLOR HALL: You! Your free agency stunt ruined my draft party! This is supposed to be my time!
KOVALCHUK: I do not understand you, Boy Donkey. Why are you so angry?
HALL: Me! All those pun headlines were supposed to be about me! (lunges at Kovalchuk)
KOVALCHUK: I do not want to punch you, Boy Donkey. This is supposed to be happy place not place for fighting.
STOLL: C'mere kid.
HALL: I don't wanna!
STOLL: Just come here, kid, and talk to me and Willy for a minute.
(Stoll puts Hall in a headlock and punches him)
STOLL: Don't... Ruin... This... For... Me!
KOVALCHUK: Let me help! You cannot ruin happy place for Jarret Stoll and Justin Williams.
WILLIAMS: You… you don't fight. Apparently, he does… kinda? (points at Kovalchuk pulling Hall's shirt over his head)
STOLL: It's called suspension of disbelief. You're just here a comedic device. You normally spend the summer in New Jersey for some fucking reason.
(CUT TO: Disney security escorting Stoll, Williams and Kovalchuk to Stoll's BMW/Benz/Lexus/Whatever)
WILLIAMS: Dean is going to send me to Edmonton for this. Then I'm gonna have to see that kid every day!
STOLL: Stay with us and you'll get four tries a year to get that kid.
KOVALCHUK: I do not know if I like that. He seem he really want to hurt me.
STOLL: Do you really want to leave Willy to fend for himself whenever my junk goes out of whack? After all he's done for you with the wheelchair and all...
WILLIAMS: (Looks helplessly at Kovalchuk)
(SCENE: DEAN LOMBARDI's office at the Toyota Sports Center)
DEAN LOMBARDI: You told him what?!
WILLIAMS: The Hall kid was going to be in Edmonton?
LOMBARDI: Now, why did you do that?
STOLL: It seemed topical?
LOMBARDI: Topical? The guy can barely speak English. You could have told him the Hall kid was part donkey, and he would have believed you.
WILLIAMS: (mumbling) ...I thought he was part donkey.
LOMBARDI: OK, you have a point there, that kid isn't human… but, this Russkie jerkoff cost me seventeen days of my life! One of you… I have to make an example of one of you.
WILLIAMS: My knees can't take much more.
LOMBARDI: Stoll, I'm going to let you pick which knee you like more.
WILLIAMS: (reading off of cell phone) The league rejected that seventeen-year contract.
LOMBARDI: Give me my life back!
[ I was hoping to write a much happier ending. One that didn't involve busting kneecaps. Quisp has a better grasp on all this CBA mess. It sure will make for some good lolcats.]