Draft Day in LA... and stuff.

Your poster boys: Jack Johnson and [probably?] Tim Thomas.

Great. As if those nightmares I used to have about Kingston weren't enough, we can terrify a whole new generation of children.

Vendors!

In case you didn't know, no event at LA Live is complete without douchebags.

It kind of like watching the stock exchange... except they're exchanging people!

These people got lost on their way to prom.

Even with the special podium, the photographer is using the old shooting from below trick.

...but the worst part was when they cut off the liquor and beer sales.

The video department was hard at work removing the logo from the third jersey footage to make this seem more neutral:

Premium Draft Beer

I will be drinking a lot of beer waiting for pick #19 tomorrow.

Good job, Deano (after Anze Kopitar's game [game 2] winner in over time).

To those here in LA for the draft, I have one two things to say to you:

• Quit whining about traffic and plug in your iPod/CD player/8 track.
• The closest In-n-Out to the Staples Center is on Sunset and Orange in Hollywood. I order a number 2 animal style with easy spread .

Maybe Jeremy Roenick will cry again...

No?

I'll be posting random things on Twitter all day. Expect more incoherence the closer to 4 o'clock we get.

Filler Friday: Anaface

Anaface is some little program that is supposed to analyze facial features in proportion and symmetry and access how beauteous one is.

What does this have to do with hockey players? Well, I got bored and put some of them in Anaface.

Let's start off with someone we all know...


Sidney Crosby is pushing a 6.59/10 which is not too shabby. Those big fat lips aren't helping him here, though. Perhaps Angelina Jolie can give him some pointers on looking like a prostitute pouting.



Drew Doughty has a 6.43/10. Some creepy chicks on the internet may argue about that one. If Emeril Lagasse mated with a teddy bear, then somehow the fetus was exposed to radiation, the result would be Doughnuts.



Fro-love has a 6.11/10. Getting hit in the face a lot may affect symmetry. Just a hunch. I'm pretty sure we won't be seeing those big blue eyes back in LA in October. This makes McSwarley sad.



Jack Johnson can't even crack 5 points. Again, he's been hit in the face. A lot.



Somehow, even with a bag over my head, I can do better than Sidney Crosby. Obviously this thing is broken.

Filler Friday: Shit Hawks

They're swooping in low.

Filler Friday: Shark Hatred

Just imagine Patrick Kane has Mr. T's stupid haircut instead of a mullet. What, you were expecting Dustin Byfuglien?

Things I hate almost as much as the Sharks:

• "The Office."
• Paragraphs containing double-spaces after final punctuation even though there has been no need for it for at least the past fifteen years, unless you're using an actual typewriter.
• That it seems at least 75% of the general population is obsessed with bacon.
• The cancellation of "My Name is Earl."
• Creme filling.
• Listening to Republicans fight over who is more conservative in one of the most liberal states in the country. You know, where that might not be a good thing when campaigning for governor.
• Brian Willsie.

How to watch a playoff series when you hate both teams

Where I'm from, Red Wings are shoes.

Make it into a drinking game:

• Any time Lindstrom's Norris Trophies are mentioned.
• Any of Datsyuk's trophies are mentioned.
• Anyone says "Big Pavelski." Wait… that just makes me want to vomit.
• One of the announcers/talking heads mispronounces a name. This would be great if one of them was named "Anze."
• "Big Joe" Thorton.
• NBC: Is Jeremy Roenick there? Chug. Just chug dammit.
• Every time a beer or liquor product is advertised.
• Any announcer demonstrates lack of knowledge of where San Jose is. Will not work watching the Sharks broadcast.
• There is there a debate over the funniest/stupidest name on the team's roster. This works especially well for the Sharks.
• Every reference to an octopus you see.
• VERSUS: You think, "Gee, Brian Engblom could take some tips on mullet maintenance from Barry Melrose."
• Every time someone tries really, really, really hard to bleed in order to draw a penalty.

Determine which one to hate more (or be less apathetic about), by any number of factors:

• Are they in your team's division?
• How annoying are their fans?
• How many times have they taken your team out of the playoffs? (I will never forgive the Habs for damaging my pre-pubescent psyche)
• Have they won the Cup before? How many?*
• Do you have some random reason for hating one of their players? (I don't like your "beard," Crosby!)
• Do you have a good reason to hate one of their players? (Rob Blake)
• Were any of their players once on your team? (This is especially useful when looking at Boston and Philadelphia because Lappy trumps all [but Savard's game winner in overtime did get me all misty-eyed])
• How did he leave the team? Was he traded for being a little bitch? (Mike Cammalleri)
• Do you hate the city itself?
• How about its airport? Does their airport suck?
• Do you know anyone from that city? Like a college professor who failed you for showing up drunk or a really bad author? (If Ayn Rand were from a city with an NHL team I would totally hate that team almost as much as the Ducks)
• Does the team have a stupid name? (Predators? How about the mammals or vertebrates?)

Sharks hate chess.

*In this case, I do not want any team without a Cup winning one. That's another team that's not my team that has won one.

Filler Friday: Out the ROFLbot

(Bad Saturday Night Live skits, anyone?)












...and Anze Kopitar's secret victory dance.